The Problem
Here is the problem in a nutshell. Every marriage has problems, disagreements, arguments. If they go on for too long, without at least some resolution and without some level of reconciliation (making-up) between the two of you, you will each become hardened toward the other: angry, bitter, resentful and capable of saying and doing mean and hurtful things that you may never have previously imagined possible.
Once you’ve arrived at this state, there’s only one way to get out: find the wherewithal to cease playing your part in the conflict. You have to find another way. Not by blowing your top, not by getting your spouse to change, not by being willing to change if they will and not by simply giving-in and submitting.
It can be done and you can do it, only you don’t know how yet. The material contained in this book is going to help you see how and even why. While not rocket science, it will require honesty, a willingness to be a little vulnerable and faith in the goodness and integrity of your marriage partner.
And, when things get difficult, ask yourself one question: Do I want things to continue to roll out along the bitter and acrimonious lines they have been or do I want to see them going in a better, more loving and constructive direction? The choice is yours.
Use Your Head
This would be a good time to pause, use your head and ask yourself: If my spouse is really reacting to his/her own sense of fear or insecurity, how can I help them feel more safe and more secure? That should help move the situation forward, no? This would be an ideal opportunity to make an acknowledging and empathetic statement, such as: Yes, it is a little scary, isn’t it? So doing does not mean you are changing your position on the subject under discussion. What you are doing is acknowledging the five hundred pound gorilla in the room.
Conveying acceptance and understanding of how your spouse is feeling, even while disagreeing with the conclusions they draw from their feelings, is much more constructive than glaring at them from across the room with eyes that say: I’m not going to let you hold me back any longer!
By noticing and addressing your spouse’s underlying fears and insecurities you table the objective topic for the moment and address the deeper underlying subjective issue. Ideally, your motivation comes more from a desire to promote support and understanding in your relationship than it does from simply wanting to get your own way.
Focus on the Good
Consider this: problems are not the cause of unhappiness in marriage; they are the symptoms of an unhappy marriage. You may think: We have problems, therefore we don’t feel good. But what is far more likely is: We don’t feel good, therefore we have problems. If you can find a way to feel better about yourself and your spouse, your problems may diminish, or, at least, your feeling of helplessness and frustration over failing to solve them certainly will.
Research with couples whose marriages thrive does not indicate any lack of problems; they have problems, large and small, the same way you do. How thriving marriages tend to differ is that these couples have learned to focus on what’s good, what works, what they enjoy about the relationship, instead of remaining focused on the problems. Some say problems in a marriage are like goldfish: the more you feed them, the larger they get.
Think of some of your problems: your husband gets angry when you spend too much money, you get angry when he comes home late or doesn’t fold the laundry, etc. Do you really think spending money, getting home on time and folded laundry are going to make for happiness?