When Divorce?

William R. Colagrande, MS

If you’ve been married for more than a few years, there have probably been times when you’ve wondered if you married the right person after all. With a divorce rate of over 50% (even higher for second marriages) it certainly seems like a lot of people are asking themselves this question. When is divorce the correct option? This is a complicated issue, but we can review some of the more salient points.

First, it is important to understand that even good, healthy marriages go through difficult periods. Doubts or difficult periods are not in themselves reasons for divorce. Think back to when you were single and recall some of the difficulties and periods of unhappiness you experienced. Now amplify that by a power of two, because your spouse has their specific personal issues, and the two of you coming together in marriage have formed what is, in effect, a third entity, your relationship, that has issues and traits borrowed from both of you.

Having a happy marriage is no mean feat and, if you think about it, there are probably a lot more things that are going right in your marriage than are going wrong. Perception is a big part of the problem when things are going wrong, because problems tend to become magnified in both scope and duration: they were always BIG and have plagued you FOREVER. It is helpful to keep in mind that when under stress you may not be viewing things with your usual equanimity. Even well-intended friends and confidantes may unconsciously reinforce your jaundiced view, in that they are only hearing your side of things and want to be as helpful and supportive of you as they can.

Typically, divorce is the result of one of the three A’s: abuse, addition or adultery. Physical or emotional abuse are very difficult situations to tolerate and divorce, or at least separation, is recommended where patterns of this type behavior persist. Addiction, whether it is to drugs, alcohol, gambling or work is also very problematic as, by definition, the addicted individual is not in full control of their life. Adultery, surprisingly enough, may be the most workable of the three scenarios, as the underlying causes are typically not as complicated or deep-rooted as in the first two cases. Many marriages are actually made stronger as a result of successfully working through an adulterous episode.

The biggest single question that needs to be answered when considering divorce is: Do I want to work on saving this marriage? If the answer is yes, there is much that can be accomplished. If the answer is no, then there is very little that can be accomplished. It sounds like a cliché, but most of overcoming marital problems is a matter of deciding to overcome them. Once this is the commitment, the rest is hard work, but not rocket science. Most people recognize that, should they divorce, they will be faced with restructuring and rebuilding their lives in every major facet: personally, socially, economically, and parentally. If you have children, it is especially important to ask yourself: If I am prepared to rebuild my life outside the context of this marriage, why not consider rebuilding it within the context of this marriage?

Most people loved each other and were happy together at one time; what is to prevent them from recapturing these feelings? Sometimes one really does change in some significant ways that makes remaining together unfeasible. But most often, it is the deep feelings of despair, frustration and resentment that make people want to throw in the towel and walk away from their marriage. Confronting and working through these issues will make you a stronger, healthier and happier person no matter what marital decision you may make down the road.

Consider these facts: divorced women are three times more likely to report feeling depressed than women who are not divorced (four times as likely if twice divorced.) As compared to single, widowed, or divorced people, married people are healthier, have better sex lives, engage in fewer high-risk activities such as substance abuse, live longer, and are happier. Divorced adults are four times more likely to report themselves as feeling lonely than married adults.

Remember how you had to study and practice prior to obtaining your driver’s license? Too bad we don’t get the opportunity to be as well prepared when obtaining our marriage license. But it’s never too late to learn and when you are married, there is no shortage of opportunities to do so. Many people think that when they're in a bad marriage, the only way to find happiness again is to get divorced. However, one study found that, on average, unhappily married adults who get divorced are no happier five years later. In addition, about two-thirds of the observed unhappy marriages that stayed together actually turned around and became happy in the same time span. While divorce is necessary and unavoidable in some situations, it shouldn't be looked upon as a quick fix for all of your marital problems. Rather, seriously consider fixing things within the marriage first before making that final decision.

2007

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I’m always interested in hearing your comments and feedback on my essays. You can send them to be by e-mailing bill@i4hd.com