What Every Man Should Know

What every man should know

William R. Colagrande, MS

Women. You can’t live with ‘em and you can’t live without ‘em, is the old saying. But as I explained last time in my brief examination of the male of the species, women have different cultural and personal requirements and needs than men do. Once men understand and appreciate some of these differences, inter-gender contact may begin to go more smoothly.

As we did last time, we can begin this discussion with a look at communication differences. When a woman is having a problem, very often what she values and needs is a sense of emotional support, empathy and understanding. Sharing her fears, concerns, uncertainties and getting the sense that she is being understood and accepted feels very nurturing to a woman in distress. When women bring their problems to other women, this is exactly what they need, get and deserve.

When a woman brings her problem to a man however, he thinks she is looking for a solution. After all, when he talks about a problem it’s only because he hasn’t been able to figure out a solution on his own and that is the only reason why he would ask someone else for help. So when he hears her problem he is immediately inclined to offer a solution, or, barring that he may offer her the next best thing and say, with all sincerity, Aw, don’t worry about it. He is shocked when the woman then proceeds to exclaim that he never listens to her and doesn’t care about her at all. He has failed to understand that she is looking for support and empathy, and not necessarily a solution.

I dated a woman from Italy years ago, and one of the things I remember from the relationship was when she used to say to me: You must stop and think. Men, at times like this, you must stop and think. Because men value competency so highly their inclination is to demonstrate it by providing a solution. Curb yourself men and consider offering a woman what she needs, not just what you want to give. Consider saying to her something like Gee, that’s too bad, I’m sorry to hear that, that must have been awful, etc. Women can usually figure out their own solutions; what they value most is empathy and understanding.

Sometimes when sorting though a problem, women take the opportunity to go deeper and delve into similar or related issues in their lives. This is part of the way they work on themselves. They often like and need to expand on the original problem, talking a lot about it, giving it a lot of emotional energy and going over it from several possible angles, like an emotional housecleaning. Men usually fail to understand or appreciate this; for a man it is: see problem, fix problem, next problem. Men may sometimes view this female tendency as wallowing or letting themselves get needlessly carried away. This is how they do it guys. If you want to be helpful, be as supportive as you can; if you can’t be supportive then just step aside and let them go through it by themselves. Don’t insist on providing solutions or that your woman move on to the next thing before she is ready.

Sometimes when women are going through this process they may unintentionally resort to the use of poetic license or what men might consider to be exaggeration. They are likely to say things like You never listen to me or You’re always so self-centered (which of course is often true.) Don’t take the use of words like always and never too personally, it would be a mistake. Don’t allow yourself to feel provoked by their use of overstatement. At times like this a silent, gentle hug can be the most effective means of communication.

As much as men like to go off on their own to resolve problems, women like to relate about theirs. Men resist unsolicited interventions, while among women to approach and offer unsolicited empathy, support and understanding is the height of good manners. Men like to solve a problem and get back to their routine, while women will often take the opportunity to probe deeper into related issues. When a man can’t find his own solution, he’ll ask somebody for theirs. Women are far less concerned about solutions as they are about communication, understanding and rapport.

It’s important to women that their men tell them they love them frequently, that men compliment them in many ways and occasionally bring home tokens of their esteem for no particular reason. It means a lot to a woman to get a card, note, e-mail or phone call just saying that you love them. Women put up with a lot from men, and just because it doesn’t seem particularly important to us, bear in mind that women are different and it could mean a great deal to them.

Remember Professor Henry Higgins’ lament in My Fair Lady, Why can’t a woman be more like a man? Well he was a bachelor and, thinking along those lines, was likely to remain one. (He doesn’t get the girl in the end, if you recall.) If we take the time to cherish and care for our wives and girlfriends, our lives and the lives of those around us will be so much the better for it.

2005

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I’m always interested in hearing your comments and feedback on my essays. You can send them to be by e-mailing bill@i4hd.com