Two Stage Hate

William R. Colagrande, MS

I wrote recently about Two Stage Love, relating the difference between knowing you are loved and understanding how that love is expressed or communicated. Now I would like to take a look at the opposite side of the coin.

When we disagree with our spouse over some issue in the relationship, it also follows a two-stage process. The first stage is the actual topic under consideration, Her: You work too many hours and don’t pay enough attention to me; Him: You only think of yourself and don’t appreciate all that I give in this relationship. Both parties are angry, fairly worked-up and feel they have right on their side. So far, so good.

But then, what often follows is a certain tone or energy which indelibly characterizes these exchanges. The notion of two people who love and respect each other and are having a disagreement becomes lost in a wildly exaggerated and cutting communication style. Her: You care more about your fishing buddies and watching your stupid baseball games than me. Maybe you’d have been better off staying single. I know I would have; Him: If you worked half as hard as I do instead of sitting around on your fat ass all day, you’d know better the things I have to deal with. Instead of the tone being angry but respectful, it degenerates into a series of personal attacks, which, because they are mean-spirited and hurtful, become an issue of their own, thereby creating two problems where previously there had only been one.

Because I work with a lot of couples in distress I have often experienced first-hand how callous and vicious two married people can be toward each other. I have often noted how some married couples can treat their spouses in a way that they would never consider treating anyone else, even someone they didn’t like. And I am always quick to point this out to them, as such exchanges are not only hurtful but extremely unproductive. This phenomenon had me puzzled for quite a while until I came to understand the underlying dynamics.

I suspect that despite having made a conscious and rational a choice when deciding to marry, there is always a significant unconscious aspect of ourselves that is convinced we have found the girl/guy of our dreams and that we will never feel lonely, unhappy, rejected, insecure, etc again. In the early innings of a marriage it is usually fairly easy to maintain this view. But once reality sets in and we really see and feel the perceived shortcomings in our spouse, we feel not only disappointed and vaguely foolish, but the victim of a cruel and heartless hoax. To whatever extent we were consciously or unconsciously expecting our spouse to forever be the balm for all of our emotional insecurities, we now feel fully justified in condemning them to the hottest corner of Hades.

It is very important in these situations that we take responsibility for what we are doing and realize that no matter how angry, hurt or frightened we may be, we have no license to actively and intentionally harm or mistreat those around us. That kind of vehemence has to be reeled in and owned; it is strictly a personal matter and should be dealt with accordingly. Very often such behavior is a defense against feeling vulnerable: we think we can bludgeon our spouse as a way of keeping them from hurting us further. Often, too, it is a means to distract from the issues at hand so that they never have to be fully confronted and worked out.

In any case, it’s one thing to disagree and feel angry with your spouse and a whole other thing to attack them through the use of contempt, sarcasm, ridicule or physical intimidation. You don’t both have to stop in order to disrupt this cycle. When just one of you refuses to engage in this type of attack, choosing instead to sincerely feed back to the other what you are seeing and experiencing, the effect, in most cases, is that the other quickly tones down their vindictive bent and a certain degree of mutual respect and consideration appears on the scene like the proverbial 7^th Calvary riding to the rescue.

When you resist the temptation to resort to the tactics of personal attack, you simplify the task at hand by focusing on the one problem without creating another. In this scenario the hidden and by far the most troublesome factor to become aware of is your own sense of validation or justification that says I have a right to treat him/her in this way. Dickens, in his classic tale A Christmas Carol warned his readers about the dangers of ignoring greed and ignorance; I’m adding justification to his list.

As a kind of remedial or preventative action, always feel free to drop into the conversation from time to time how much you appreciate your spouse, all that they give, the various and multiple ways in which you see and feel their love as well as your sense of appreciation (and sympathy) for how much of your nonsense they have to put up with. It is very rare that people ever tire of hearing this and no, you won’t spoil them in the process. If you have kids, it won’t kill them to hear similar such statements from you from time to time either. It’ll make you feel like a better person, which, in fact you will be by maintaining a sense of love and respect in the forefront of your communications.

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Comments, questions, concerns? I’m always interested in your feedback: e-mail bill@i4hd.com with your ideas.