The Secret Lives of Men

William R. Colagrande, MS

Men. Who can figure them out? Are they really all the uncommunicative, sports-loving, beer-drinking, hygienically-challenged louts they’re made out to be? I’m here to tell you, No, they are not, though they are different from women in important ways, and it is just some of those differences that we’ll examine here.

One of the unfortunate and unintentional legacies of the women’s liberation movement has been the notion that men and women should be treated the same. While I agree they should be granted equal rights and privileges, I think it is a mistake to minimize or overlook the personal and cultural differences between the sexes. In my work with couples, I often see how difficulties arise when members of either gender expect the other to think, communicate or behave in a fashion similar to their own.

Communication is a good example. On his wedding day, when a man tells his wife that he loves her, he expects having said it once that his wife will consider herself loved until he says differently. When a woman wants her man to tell her that he loves her repeatedly or to do things that suggest that he loves her, he is, at base, puzzled by this peculiar request. Were he to verbalize his confusion, he could well say something like: But I’ve already told you that I love you. Why in the world should I need to keep on repeating myself? When a man has a good male friend, he would never think of repeatedly telling him what a good friend he is, nor would he ever expect his pal to say it to him: they’re friends, they both know it, case closed.

A sticky point to bear in mind when dealing with men is to remember that they value competency very highly. Dating back to the old caveman, hunter-gatherer days, men consider competency as a crucial survival function for them, their families and the entire tribe. Challenge, or even imply a challenge to a man’s competency and you are going to have one very unhappy cavemen on your hands. This is important for women to know and appreciate, and not just because it explains why a man usually refuses to stop and ask for directions when he is lost (excuse me, when his destination isn’t where it’s supposed to be.) Men will ask for help only when they feel they need it. To offer to help when a man hasn’t asked for help is to risk offending him.

This is useful information. If you are a woman and should you want to make a man feel good about himself, simply find some way in which to complement his competency: Thank you for fixing the paper jam in the copier, for hanging that picture, for getting my car started, etc. By the same token, if you don’t want to inadvertently upset him or get him angry, be sure to avoid saying things like, Well, you blew it, Here’s another fine mess you’ve gotten me into or Why don’t you just try rebooting?

A third area that actually encompasses the first two is that when a man is presented with a problem, he will usually want to go off by himself physically or psychically to mull it over. Once he has finished mulling it over, he will return, physically or psychically, and pick up the emotional thread of the interaction he had been having right where he left off. This male tendency is problematic for several reasons. First, women often mistake this withdrawal for abandonment (which, unfortunately it sometimes is.) Secondly, when a woman pursues a man at a time when he feels the need to withdraw and sort things out, she risks driving him even farther away. She is in effect questioning his competency to go off and figure things out for himself, a boo-boo as I’ve already explained. After all, if he wanted her input, he’d of asked her for it.

A lot of this confusion could be eliminated were a man to think to say Honey, I need to think this over for a while. I’ll be back with you as soon as I can. Doing so can alleviate the woman’s abandonment fears, but since he knows he isn’t abandoning her it never occurs to him to offer any such reassurance. He knows that if he were to present one of his buddies with a problem, the guy might go quiet while he was thinking it over, but the thought of abandonment would never enter into the picture. Here is where it would be helpful if men could remember that women don’t think the same way they do.

An appreciation for these little quirks and idiosyncrasies would help make relating to men a lot easier and more rewarding. Believe it or not they do suffer as a result of not sharing and expressing their feelings of love and affection as much as they could, a fact most men fail to appreciate. Even a partial understanding or acceptance of some of the points I’ve raised here will be helpful in eliminating or at least minimizing unnecessary misunderstanding and conflict between the sexes.

Be sure to look for my next piece when I shall turn my microscope upon the fairer sex.

2005

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I’m always interested in hearing your comments and feedback on my essays. You can send them to be by e-mailing bill@i4hd.com