So I married a Shopaholic

William R. Colagrande, MS

A Shopaholic is a colloquial term describing an individual who cannot seem to control their impulse to spend. While the term Shopaholic is a relatively recent one, references to compulsive shopping began appearing in the psychiatric literature as early as 1915. About one in twenty Americans, over seventeen million people, are believed to struggle with this issue. Some studies report that a whopping 95% of these are women, but the numbers in the case of men are probably underreported.

For a legitimate source of pain, frustration and economic/marital strife in people’s lives, this condition is treated in our culture with an unprecedented level of jocularity. No other form of out-of-control behavior is taken so lightly by the media in the form of on-going jokes, gags and even marketing copy. If you or someone you know are married to a Shopaholic, you know it is far from a laughing matter.

While most often characterized as a form of obsessive-compulsive disorder, the condition is also considered to be one of impulse control. Some of the trademark characteristics: where one woman buys a skirt, a Shopaholic will buy six; where one guy buys a CD, a Shopaholic will buy ten. Often you will find closets stuffed with clothing, most of which have never been worn, or a basement piled high with electrical or household appliances that have never been removed from the box. Buyer’s remorse, where one feels guilty or ashamed following a purchase, is also an identifying factor.

While both sexes compulsively purchase clothes, shoes and compact discs, women also prefer jewelry and makeup, while men choose electronics and tools. Men often manage to avoid the stigma of compulsive shopping by being considered collectors of such items as cars, tools, firearms, books or fine wines.

Research on treatment modalities is sketchy at best. Some studies indicate that serotonin uptake inhibitors (Prozac, Zoloft, Paxil) are effective in some cases. Twelve-step programs dealing with compulsive shopping are also beginning to emerge. Psychotherapy, particularly one utilizing a behavioral/cognitive approach, is often helpful. No definitive course of treatment is currently available due to a dearth of research.

If your husband or wife struggles with compulsive spending, you know there is usually a great deal of guilt and shame involved. Purchases are made surreptiously and the contraband items hidden away in closets or storage spaces. When confronted, the spenders will often resort to a combination of denial, rage, accusations that they are being controlled or well intended but nevertheless hollow promises of future reform.

For the individual involved who recognizes they have a spending problem, there are some guidelines that can help. First of all, get rid of all (or all but one) of your credit cards. When shopping bring a set amount of money in cash and avoid the ubiquitous ATM machines. Make a budget and stick to it. Institute a “cooling off” period when you come across something you may want to purchase: wait twenty-four hours before buying. Go shopping with a friend who is aware of your issue and will support you in making good purchasing decisions.

As far as attempting to modify your spouse’s behavior, you already know that periodic yelling and screaming doesn’t work. Neither does colluding or attempting to just go along with things. If the gradual buildup of anger and resentment doesn’t get you, the emotional distancing that will develop between the two of you certainly will.

There are several ways in which you can support your spouse in their struggle to come to terms with this issue. First off, this is the type of thing you need to discuss when everyone is feeling cool, calm and collected, not when you’ve just received the credit card statement. Engage your spouse openly, stating why you think there may be a problem. Be prepared to back up your claims with facts and figures. You need to do this with a sense of understanding and compassion to avoid coming across like the KGB. You may need to get with a trusted friend beforehand to exorcise your own feelings of anger and frustration in the matter. You need to take care of your own feelings before you can help someone else with theirs.

When you reach the point where the issue can be discussed openly, you have already accomplished a great deal: the shame and guilt associated with hiding and secrecy can be eliminated. If your wife is shopping to assuage feelings of loneliness, you can try being more of a friend to her. If your husband is shopping as a response to feeling depressed, you can try to cheer him up and buoy his spirits. (See my article Two Stage Love for additional ideas along these lines.) Keep in mind that to the extent their spending behavior is compulsive, it is an attempt to compensate for or avoid altogether something they experience as painful. If you can help them accept and work through that pain, you can help them eliminate or at least reduce the frequency of the destructive behavior. Rather than falling into the trap of seeing things as you vs. them, think of yourselves as a team, you and your spouse vs. this destructive behavior.

It is a complex situation and may require professional help in spite of all your best intentions. But you can certainly learn to be an ally in the struggle and so doing will help strengthen your relationship in the long run.

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Comments, questions, concerns? I’m always interested in your feedback: e-mail bill@i4hd.com with your ideas.