So I Married a Workaholic

So I married a Workaholic

William R. Colagrande, MS

The notion of workaholism or of being a workaholic has no true technical foundation in the study of psychology. Colloquially, it is defined as a person addicted to work and usually carries a negative connotation in that the workaholic’s family or personal life suffer as a result. The term is a play on the word alcoholic and did not enter the vernacular until the 1990’s.

Unlike other compulsive behaviors such as alcohol, drug, gambling or spending additions, workaholism bears no social stigma. It is egosyntonic, a psychiatric term referring to behaviors, values or feelings which are in harmony with or acceptable to the needs and goals of the ego or consistent with one's ideal self-image. It is also a highly prized cultural trait and some argue an ecomonic necessity in today’s fast-paced and highly competive marketplace.

Workaholism is characterized by a preoccupation with work to the exclusion of most familial and social activities. In addition to putting in heavy hours at the office, the situation has been facilitated by the advent of hand-held personal computers, cell phones and other devices which enable the individual to perform work-related functions wherever and whenever they choose. As technological “progress” continues, it will redefine and blur the line between work and leisure as never before. The irony here of course is that these devices were initially projected to save time and create more leisure opportunities. Oops.

Other personal traits closely identified with workaholism include difficulty in delegating tasks to others, a tendency toward perfectionism, mixing work with recreational activities, failure to maintain familial or social commitments and sneaking work home on weekends or during vacations.

Living with a workaholic can be a very frustrating and unrewarding experience. Unlike drug or alcohol addiction, one is likely to find little or no support in the greater community for addressing the issue. The very fact that hard work is such a highly regarded trait here and abroad help create an atmosphere in which it may be a formidable challenge to even get the individual concerned to acknowledge there is a problem.

As with any compulsion, the behaviors involved mask complex unresolved psychological issues. Add to this the reinforcement received at the workplace, economic gain and the increased status and prestige in the community, and you have a set of behaviors very difficult to challenge or disrupt. Only those closest to the individual involved know at what high cost these honors come.

The task of confronting these issues is made more difficult in that these behaviors lend in great measure to the individual’s sense of self-worth and self-esteem. Any frontal assault on this position is going to be met with a spirited defense commonplace when one feels they are in the right. The best approach requires a delicate blend of confrontation and compassion. On the one hand, the individual needs to see and feel the negative impact this fascination with work is having on his/her spouse, family and personal health. However, this approach, if taken in the heat of the moment or out of frustration, will most likely be perceived as an attack and dealt with accordingly. Points about quality of life issues are best taken when things are relatively calm, happy and people are in control of their emotions. This approach requires strategic thought, inner strength and patience.

Compassion enters in when you look beyond the harm this defensive behavior is creating and appreciate the role and function it serves for the afflicted individual. This type behavior is a large source of individual’s sense of self-esteem, purpose and legitimacy. Work, in this case, helps define the individual in a positive light, stabilizing their otherwise shaky sense of self-confidence in addition to being the source of all the social and financial reinforcement mentioned earlier. The individual involved is only going to consider relinquishing all this if a viable option is offered in its place. Rather than attacking the workaholism, the task is to acknowledge all individual has done, accomplished and given, thereby addressing the ego’s needs, while at the same time reframing personal, familial and social functions as additional untapped sources of gratification and accomplishment. The hardest part of all this will be staying clear within yourself what you are attempting and why and keeping your personal frustration levels down to manageable limits.

Once you have succeeded in gaining the support of the afflicted individual, you can incorporate specific behavioral goals into the program to serve as benchmarks. If the individual works sixty hours per week, the goal is to cut it down to fifty; if they bring laptops everywhere they go, there would need to be laptop-free weekends, afternoons or hours, depending on how bad the situation is. Cell phone-free nights is another option than can extend to the entire family. Characterizing the task as a challenge to balance work with a healthy and rewarding personal life will help the individual view the change as one more thing they can successfully accomplish and feel proud of.

While successfully living with workaholism calls for generous inner reserves of compassion, self-care and understanding, it is vastly preferable to doing nothing, attempting to accommodate or filing for divorce, any of which can be adopted as a fallback position. By remaining clear and true to your inner values and the love and compassion you feel, you may be surprised by what you can accomplish.

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Comments, questions, concerns? I’m always interested in your feedback: e-mail bill@i4hd.com with your ideas.