So I Married Someone Who won’t admit They’re Wrong
by
William R. Colagrande, MS
News flash! Nobody’s perfect. All right, so maybe this isn’t such a news flash after all. But if it isn’t, why is it we so often see situations where someone is simply wrong and won’t admit it. This is especially vexing when the person in question turns out to be your spouse.
The simple truth is that for some of us admitting we are wrong brings with it a terrible cost, whether it be in self-esteem, humiliation or fear of being unlovable. In matters such as this guys seem to be the culprit less frequently. Perhaps it is because we’re wrong so often that we’re more used to ‘fessing up. Women may feel more comfortable admitting they’re wrong to other women, but often seem loathe acknowledging the truth to their husbands.
Often the apprehension felt regarding confronting a certain situation is worse than the situation itself. People who won’t admit they’re wrong often fall into this category. There must be some deep hidden well of shame or humiliation that is sensed rather than experienced in a fully conscious way. All the afflicted individual knows is that to admit they’re wrong brings them perilously close to the brink of a dark abyss. They know they are wrong. They also know that it would be a whole lot easier on all concerned if they would only blurt out an admission. It would only take two seconds. And yet, some powerful force holds them back, despite all their rationality, intelligence and good intentions.
Unfortunately, this irrational tendency often causes friction in the marriage. Frustrated in their attempts to bring the offending party around, the offended spouse may decide to fight fire with fire and provide their own dose of the same medicine. While gratifying in the moment, this tactic rarely produces a good outcome. The divorce courts are full of people who remain convinced they are in the right.
The solution may lie in employing a judicious combination of compassion and counter intuition. First, put your frustration temporarily aside, stop and try to think rationally for a moment: Gee, my spouse has an awful hard time admitting when he/she is wrong. I don’t find it that tough to do, but, then again, they’re not me. I don’t understand what could be causing such a strong reaction in him/her, but it certainly is present. The point here is for you to put aside your impulsive tendency to just react and try to come up with something that’s going to address the problem. Understand that your spouse isn’t doing this just to give you a hard time. They’re likely doing it as a type of irrational compulsion that somehow drives them in a very narrow and unhelpful direction. They are suffering more than you are in this way and it behooves you to acknowledge this to yourself.
The counter intuitive part is to, without making a big deal out of it, step up your own incidences of acknowledging when you’re wrong. Model the desired behavior, but without making a big show of it. Sometimes, ceasing to openly complain about a spouse’s shortcoming and simply modeling the desired behavior gets through to them. They may find courage, through your example, they didn’t know they had and conclude Gee, if he/she can do it, so can I.
Striving for perfection, irrational as we all know it is, is an extremely popular and addictive endeavor. Even though we know we can’t actually achieve it, we believe we at least ought to try. There is more than a touch of false pride in this notion, a type of superiority that implies that we are better than others.
The true growth, sense of personal satisfaction and self-confidence comes instead when we can simply say: Hey, I was wrong or I’m sorry. It takes a special kind of strength to risk shame, ridicule or humiliation by acknowledging a simple truth. So doing shatters the false veneer of perfection and opens the door for honest communication and healing to occur. No one is lording anything over anyone else, nor cowering in abject shame.
It is difficult to overestimate the amount of time and energy people will devote to not admitting they’re wrong. The hidden cost in terms of guilt alone is enormous. One may argue with some justification that there may be certain career situations where this may be a necessary strategy, but we’re not talking about work here. Modeling openness and the expectation of forgiveness once restitution (if needed) has been made helps build strong bonds of love, respect and trust, not just between spouses but between parents and their children as well.
For whatever it’s worth, they’re not doing this because of who you are. They do it because of who they are and would do it no matter whom they were married to. Sometimes, we can begin to take these matters personally when they’re not. Bearing in mind that it isn’t personal may help you to connect to the compassion that much sooner.
Admitting when you are wrong helps make the world look like a fair and predictable place. Which it isn’t. But if it isn’t, at least it won’t be because of a lack of trying on your part to make it so.
© 2010 Institute for Human Development
Comments, questions, concerns? I’m always interested in your feedback: e-mail bill@i4hd.com with your ideas.