So I Married Someone Mean

William R. Colagrande, MS

People with mean streaks are often not much fun to be around. While fully capable of being nasty and hurtful, mean people very often add to the damage by feeling justified in their behavior. You knew what I was like when you married me is about as close as an explanation as you are ever likely to get from someone with a mean streak.

The conventional wisdom when dealing with such an individual is to walk away, smile disarmingly, not back down, remember that this is about them not you or, if necessary, leave the relationship. While I can’t say I disagree with any of this, it still leaves something to be desired.

I think one of the key misconceptions about people who act mean is that they enjoy the process, as if being mean is their idea of a good time. While I can understand how this notion could come about, I believe nothing could be further from the truth. The single biggest mistake we make in trying to get our spouse to stop being mean to us is to be mean to them in return. We imagine that given a dose of their own medicine, they will see the error of their ways and make amends. Think back to those occasions when you reacted in a mean way toward your spouse. Did you enjoy it? Did you feel good about yourself afterward? Did the experience make you want to add it to your repertory of responses? I didn’t think so. Well, it doesn’t feel any better to them either. In fact it feels worse because they do it more often than you do.

The fact that they can be repeatedly mean indicates more a perceived lack of options rather than any pleasure involved. The reality is that most people act mean because they are in a great deal of pain. And every time they act mean they add not only to that pain but to the associated guilt and shame as well. No, people who act mean, hurtful or thoughtlessly are not having any fun at it, particularly when you consider the people they hurt are often loved ones. While psychiatry recognizes that there are personality types who don’t feel the pain of their intentional wrongdoing, you are probably not married to one of them.

Being mean has it’s origins in trauma that takes place very early in an infant’s life. An infant emerges from the womb where all of its needs were met without having to ask or brook any delays. Ideally, the infant is gradually weaned away from its demand for instant gratification. But, in some cases and in varying degrees, the infant’s demands may be repeatedly frustrated, sending him spiraling from bouts of primal rage to the depths of endless despair. While these episodes are eventually suppressed, they are never wholly forgotten, rendering the individual capable of fits of rage and hurtful behavior which he is fully capable of inflicting on anybody within range.

Now none of this should be interpreted as granting license to those who act mean. I’m just making the point that it’s no fun for them either. They, for the most part, are as baffled about their behavior and hopeless about what to do about it as you are. So what do you do about it? Well, I’ve already mentioned that we almost always make the mistake of thinking that returning what we get in kind ought to do the trick. While possibly providing some momentary release, it isn’t an effective strategy.

What might work is conscious vulnerability, though not at the moment when your spouse is in the act of being mean. As you are both under considerable emotional stress at that moment, the less you say the better. Don’t engage with the mean behavior; separate yourself emotionally or physically. In a day or so, when things are calm and you are in emotional control of yourself, is a time to hold a mirror up to your spouse. Let them see what you see, only avoid the temptation to do it with any cruel, ironic or vengeful undertones. You need to understand, even (especially) if they don’t, that they are caught in a painful trap and don’t know how to stop hurting those around them. You can say Yesterday, when we spoke about xyz and didn’t agree, you said/did xyz and that was unnecessarily hurtful. I love you and care about you and I know you love and care about me. I have to ask you to take a look at yourself and stop being mean and hurtful. It’s just not good for either of us.

Now chances are they will not know how to respond to something like that. In fact, they may even resort to being mean in their response. It is enough that you deliver the message in as loving a fashion as you can manage. Give them a little peck on the cheek, if it feels right, and move on. Remember, you’ve been planning and thinking about doing this for a while, but for them it is coming as a bolt out of the blue. They’ll need time and privacy to sort out their reactions to your wholly unanticipated approach.

This formula may have to be repeated over many trials before anything changes. When they are mean to you the next time, repeat the formula. Don’t engage in the moment, collect yourself to deal with your own urge to tear them apart, and when things have calmed and you feel in control of yourself, give them the same type of appeal.

I suspect if anything is going to get them to stop being mean, this is. It is literally disarming. But they may not stop, in which case you may have to resort to stronger measures, such as leaving the relationship. And yes, it isn’t fair. In taking on this role with them, you are attempting to correct a breakdown in their socialization process that occurred long before you ever met. While this shouldn’t be the basis of your relationship, I think it can be a legitimate component of it.

Most targets of mean behavior are plagued with the nagging thought that they somehow deserve or are the cause of it. You may benefit from outside help, in the form of a support group or visits with a clergyman or counselor. Isolation only compounds the detrimental effects this behavior has upon you. You owe it to yourself to break the cycle.

2009

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I’m always interested in hearing your comments and feedback on my essays. You can send them to be by e-mailing bill@i4hd.com