Nagging

William R. Colagrande, MS

Nagging. This phenomenon is an all too real aspect of almost any relationship of long standing. How does it start? When does it come about? Most of us who are married recall the early innings of our marriage as typically devoid of nagging. Is it something, like an infection, that develops over time?

First, let’s look at the definition. The Oxford Dictionary has it as bothering persistently with trivial complaints; harassing someone constantly to do something to which they are averse. A nag is someone (especially a woman) who constantly finds fault. The word is derived from the Scandinavian word gnaga, to bite or gnaw, an accurate if not cheerful image. These definitions confirm what I already suspected, that nagging as a trait is typically associated with the female of the species. This is not without good reason. Women are typically more inclined to want to address a given domestic situation and they are certainly more inclined to verbalize these inclinations than are their male counterparts. (That’s also why it is technically accurate, if not misleading, to say women start most of the fights in a relationship: they are simply much more likely to speak up.)

We may joke about nagging or being nagged, but it is really no laughing matter. Part of the function that jokes and wisecracks serve in this case is to try to divert attention from the issue and possibly release some of the mutual tension that builds up around it. Nagging is the ideal tool for driving people apart: its circular nature makes it a very difficult process to interrupt. Let’s take an example: she wants him to pick up after himself (not an unreasonable request.) He doesn’t do it (consistently anyway). She begins to get frustrated and naturally begins to reference his shortcomings in this regard more often. He responds to this increased pressure by tuning her out more and more, which naturally increases her sense of frustration, which increases his tuning her out, etc, etc. Soon this cycle spreads to other areas of the relationship and slowly kills the intimacy.

I recall a famous line from one of my favorite movies, Cool Hand Luke: what we have here is failure to communicate. Even, as is often the case, were she to “give in” and pick up after him herself, the resentment and frustration she would feel when doing so will remain just beneath the surface. The only way to really defuse the situation is first to recognize that you are dealing with a power struggle and second to sit down and apply reason, logic and maturity (communication) to it. While this isn’t complicated, it isn’t easy. It takes a great deal of humility and vulnerability to sit down across from each other and dissect the problem. Each person has to be willing to say how they have each contributed to the current state of affairs. Each has to be willing to voluntarily surrender their rationales and defensive posturing. Each has to be willing to “take one for the team” and sacrifice their own personal preferences for the well-being of the relationship.

In my work with couples I often teach that each relationship has what I call an emotional leader. As is with most things in a relationship, whether it’s bookkeeping, grocery shopping or scheduling the social calendar, one person is better at it than the other. In the area of addressing emotional issues, this person is the emotional leader. I don’t mean to imply that anyone abdicate their emotional responsibility in the relationship; rather it is more a case of one individual taking the lead, showing the way, blazing a path for both to follow. If you are that person then you have to act.

During a calm interval (as opposed to during a flare up of the problem) the emotional leader might suggest the couple set aside some time to sit down and talk about the situation. You will need an hour when you can be alone and uninterrupted. It is often helpful to begin the talk by both of you making a conscious statement of intent, like I want to do my best to lay my personal defenses aside in order to increase the level of mutual caring, trust and respect in our relationship. It sounds corny I know, but sets the desired tone; this isn’t a pick up a quart of milk on your way home conversation. Take turns talking about how you contribute to the problem, not how your spouse does. Brainstorm possible solutions. Don’t try to do too much at once; partial agreements are better than no agreement at all. Don’t be discouraged if things stall; by definition you are trying to reinstate mutual respect and closeness at a time when both have suffered from a prolonged period of disuse. If you are stuck, you may want to consider the benefits of a short term course of marriage counseling sessions to help establish positive momentum.

You can repeat these conversations as often as necessary to rectify the situation. Once you experience even a small improvement through opening up to each other in this fashion it becomes like eating salted peanuts: difficult to stop. You set in motion a benign cycle, every bit as enduring as a vicious one but infinitely more rewarding. You may notice that this technique could apply to teenage or even younger children with whom nagging has become a part of the interaction. Nobody likes to nag or be nagged; all that’s needed is an awareness of the true nature of the problem and a willingness to be open and vulnerable in approaching a solution. Take the chance to extend yourself and lead by example. In the long run, you’ll be glad you did.

2006

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