Infidelity, Part II

William R. Colagrande, MS

We spent some time in my last article looking at some of the reasons behind infidelity, its impact on individuals and marriages and how and why people involve themselves in emotional and sexual attachments outside of marriage. Now we will look at some of the strategies of dealing with infidelity.

In past articles I have referenced Thought Experiments, theoretical mental exercises, and here is a good one for you: What would you do if your spouse came home one evening and told you they were having an affair? The answer to this question is something worth thinking about. Your response would provide you with useful information regarding your sense of values, your sense of self-esteem, your capacity for emotional autonomy, your capacity for forgiveness and understanding, your willingness to trust as well as any homicidal tendencies you may be harboring. How do you think your spouse would react were you to come home one night and announce that you were having an affair? Would the two reactions be similar or different? If different, different in what ways? Infidelity is such an explosive issue that it is seldom ever discussed as a theoretical possibility within the context of the marriage. Why is that? Might we be reserving for ourselves the option to be unfaithful by not having openly considered the possibility rationally with our spouse?

In most incidences, infidelity spells the death of the marriage; having been betrayed once, most people cannot see the trust ever being fully reestablished and who can blame them? Trust is one of the basic foundations of any relationship. One of the first things people need to do when infidelity is uncovered is to deal with the pain of betrayal, which is made all the more difficult by its sudden onset. This is probably not the best time to make a decision on the fate of your marriage, yet that is exactly what most people do. I might think that type of decision is best put off until some of the initial pain and shock subsides.

There often seems to be a desire on the part of the aggrieved spouse to want to know all of the sorted details of the affair. I guess once they are aware that something has been going on behind their backs, they feel the need to be fully informed. I’m not so sure this is a good idea. While the aggrieved party does need to know what has transpired, I think that anything beyond the broad strokes only serves to increase a sense of indignity and animosity.

A full and unqualified admission of wrongdoing must be made by the offending spouse if reconciliation is being considered. They need to apologize for the hurt and betrayal their actions have caused. The unfaithful spouse needs to agree never to see or speak with their paramour again. If they do see them, if for example they work together, they must make certain any contact they may have is strictly along business lines only.

While the onus of repairing the trust is on the offending spouse, it is of course a two-way street. The offending spouse has to accept being placed on a period of probation, during which time their attitude and behavior are under intense scrutiny and where they have to be prepared to explain their actions in greater detail that would otherwise be expected. But as with court-mandated probation, this should be viewed less as a form of punishment and more is an opportunity to demonstrate trustworthiness and it should be time-limited. Ideally this period of intense scrutiny will diminish as the trust levels are reestablished.

It frequently happens that the unfaithful spouse wants to blame the other for causing them to look outside of the marriage to get their needs met. This type of thinking is as ungrounded as it is unproductive. I do think that both partners in the marriage need to look at how they contributed to the situation, for they both surely did. But notice I said each looks at how they contributed, not at how the other contributed. Gradually, utilizing this process, the marriage can heal and even grow stronger; think of it like a flu shot: you get a taste of the virus and your body learns how to respond to it, making it stronger and more resistant to future infection. Marriages are living entities and are able to withstand trauma and shock if there is a healthy core present and if each of the partners is willing and able to do their share in accepting responsibility and of reestablishing the trust.

At this juncture, most couples would benefit from some period of professional counseling in attempting to restore the trust in their marriage. There are many qualified professionals around; ask your family doctor, clergyman and trusted friends who they would recommend and look up the one whose name comes up most often. Feel free to interview more than one until you have some sense of their qualifications, how they work and if you think you might feel comfortable working with them.

Recovering from marital infidelity is certainly a challenge. The greatest aspect of this challenge is for the offended party to gradually overcome their hurt and anger and allow their spouse full and equal participation in the marriage again. Not all attempts succeed. But if you enter into it with an eye toward correcting your own flaws and misconceptions and abandoning (after a suitable period) the desire to punish the offending party, you may see that though painful, it can be a valuable growth experience for both of you. Sometimes, once you have realized the worst and look around and see that you are still in one piece, you discover strengths and recuperative powers in yourself that you never knew you had.

2005

www.i4hd.com

I’m always interested in hearing your comments and feedback on my essays. You can send them to be by e-mailing bill@i4hd.com