Infidelity
by
William R. Colagrande, MS
There is probably no surer way to wreck a marriage than through infidelity. Research indicates that as many as two out of three marriages where infidelity occurs wind up in divorce. What is perhaps less well understood is that many marriages are not only able to survive infidelity, but some even grow stronger as a result. Let’s take a look at this highly-charged emotional issue.
Reported incidences of infidelity vary widely; it would appear to occur in about 25% of married men and about 15% of married women. I am skeptical about the reliability of these numbers because this is the type of behavior people are likely to lie about, either saying they didn’t when they did or saying they did when they didn’t. Another problem that clouds the issue is definition. Infidelity is defined as a married person having sexual intercourse with someone other than their legal spouse. While this is certainly true, there are other aspects of infidelity that exclude sexual intercourse but can be equally damaging, such as emotional infidelity, so-called “affairs of the heart.”
The root cause of infidelity is unmet needs in the marriage. Having said this, it is important to look at important mitigating factors. If people have unmet needs in their marriage, you might well ask, why don’t they save everybody a lot of pain and suffering and work on getting their needs met without violating their marital vows? An excellent question. Of course, many people do just that, but we don’t hear much about them. The truth is that feeling an emotional/romantic connection with someone outside of your marriage is a powerful and seductive force, difficult to resist, particularly if there are problems at home and particularly if those problems revolve around not feeling appreciated, attractive or understood. Many people assume that sexual needs are what drive infidelity, but it is unmet emotional needs that are actually the more compelling and therefore troublesome factor.
And while our marriage vows are made with adult, rational and considered forethought, becoming infatuated is a much more of an exciting, irrational and involuntary stirring. Of course one need not follow one’s irrational stirrings, but when there are unmet needs and discord at home, this urge is particularly difficult to ignore. And, given an absence of physical intimacy, the affair is also much easier to rationalize and justify as harmless.
Which brings me to an important point: it’s not some much the sexual transgressions that are so destructive to a marriage as it is the lying and the deceit. The constant and repeated deception or withholding of information from your spouse, the violation of trust, is chiefly what cripples the marriage. Being consistently deceitful is a severe burden, not only on our marriages, but on ourselves, even if we are never found out. It is much more severe than most of us care to allow, which makes it that much more damaging.
The problem with emotional infidelity is that it often does begin innocently and without premeditation. It is difficult to know when just kidding around, teasing or flirting become potentially harmful. Perhaps it always is. I think a good question to ask yourself if you are wondering about the nature of a given relationship outside of your marriage is: Is there something going on here that I’m keeping from my spouse? If the answer is yes then the matter bears further scrutiny. Other warning signs of a friendship becoming an emotional affair are that you find yourself thinking and fantasizing often about the other person, looking forward to your next contact with them, finding excuses to give them gifts or finding yourself sharing secrets with them.
So while falling short of the legal definition of infidelity, emotional infidelity remains a more commonplace destructive force. One of the things we can do about it is to take an honest look at ourselves and ask, What does it mean that I’m looking for this type of satisfaction outside of my marriage? Am I getting back at my spouse for perceived slights or insults on their part? Am I too frightened (bored, indifferent) to work on finding greater satisfaction within my marriage? Am I really trying to bust my marriage up? Asking and giving yourself honest answers to these questions and others like them at least places you in a situation where you are being honest with yourself, cutting down on or eliminating self-deceit. Once you experience the benefits of self-honesty (the opposite of self-deceit) you may feel inspired to enlarge upon the experience find a way to be more honest and transparent with your spouse.
Some people have a fear of deep intimacy and rely on flirtatious behavior to help themselves feel safe from their own dependent impulses. Some come from cultural or familial backgrounds where adulterous activity was condoned as long it was removed from the home. Some people view themselves as sexaholics who crave sexual acting-out much in the same way others crave a drink. Some feel trapped in their marriage and are looking for an indisputable way out. Some can’t resist the thrill of feeling desirable, approved of or somehow special again. Most married folks are faced with these situations at one point or another in their lives; it’s not so much that it is happening to you that matters as how you choose to respond to it. We’ll take look at ways to deal with instances of infidelity in my next article.
© The Institute for Human Development
2006
www.i4hd.com
I’m always interested in hearing your comments and feedback on my essays. You can send them to be by e-mailing bill@i4hd.com