In Praise of Love Talk

William R. Colagrande, MS

Everybody knows that communication is key in maintaining a healthy and happy relationship. But what kind of communication and when? Consider if you will, that there are three basic types of communication in a relationship: hot issues that often result in arguments, the household variety of everyday concerns and what I like to call “love talk.” Let’s examine each separately.

Hot issues may include such topics finances, child rearing, sex, in-laws or religion, to name a few. Every couple has these or similar issues that are often problematic and therefore often the cause of fights or arguments in the relationship. Because this is the case there is a tendency to avoid or overlook these issues. This is a mistake, because when these issues go unaddressed they become land mines, as you discover when they reveal their sudden and explosive nature. A wife may innocently say Oh look, Honey, I was by the mall today and picked up these darling shoes on sale and then is taken completely aback when her husband explodes in a rage about when is she ever going to stop squandering money. While finances are a valid enough issue, the real problem is that the couple has yet to arrive at a workable understanding about the issue, hence the fireworks.

A strategy to avoid these painful flare-ups is to set time aside on a regular basis to discuss hot issues preemptively, before they precipitate a fight. It can be an hour a week, every other week or every month, depending on how many hot issues you may have. Take an undisturbed hour, when the kids are otherwise occupied, when you are not too tired or stressed, to examine these issues. Focus on listening to the other’s concerns and perspective rather than on driving your point home. Openly state your desire to find an acceptable resolution. Take notes on whatever agreements you can reach; if the topic is particularly difficult, remember a partial agreement is better than no agreement at all. Free mediation services are available in most areas, where an impartial mediator can assist in ironing out agreements. Talking together in this way helps restore the mutual respect and admiration in the relationship, strengthens the bond between you and reduces the frequency of harsh scenes.

Household talk includes such mundane though important issues as dental visits, oil burners, parent-teacher meetings and soccer practice. They encompass day-to-day activities that are usually not problematic. I bring them up mostly to clarify them from the third and most underestimated kind of talk in a relationship, love talk.

Love talk is basically what you used to engage in when you first started dating. And I don’t even mean romantic talk, though that can certainly be a part of it. I guess you could as well call it fun talk. Events of the day, catching up about mutual friends or family, shared interests, the latest episode of The Sopranos, etc.

To state it another way, love talk specifically and intentionally excludes both hot topics and household conversation. No, no, no, not allowed. Only fun, relaxing, entertaining conversation is acceptable.

Most couples lead very busy lives and operate under the mistaken impression that love talk is a luxury. I have been working with couples for over thirty years and believe me nothing could be further from the truth! It is absolutely essential to set aside time every week for love talk if you want to maintain a happy and healthy relationship. Think of it as a date: set the time aside in your calendars to get together and hold that time as sacred. Get out of the house if you can, go to dinner, a movie or for a drive. Or you could just rent a video, pop some popcorn or sit out in the yard in the evening with a glass of wine. Take turns deciding. Recall the things you enjoyed doing when you were first dating and do them again.

All of the research literature on happy and healthy relationships agrees on the importance of spending simple fun time together on a regular basis. That you are already engaged in addressing hot topics and household matters at other times helps make giving yourself this precious opportunity possible. Make this type of talk a priority; don’t make the mistake of considering it optional. Spending time together like this reaffirms the love, caring and commitment in the relationship in a clear and unequivocal fashion. We are able to take it in on a very basic level, so that all aspects of our personality and character are gratified by the experience. I’m sure that if you follow the suggestions I’ve outlined here you’ll soon see for yourself the truth of what I’m saying.

2005

www.i4hd.com

I’m always interested in hearing your comments and feedback on my essays. You can send them to be by e-mailing bill@i4hd.com