How to Change your Spouse

William R. Colagrande, MS

Oh, so you want to change your spouse, do you? Well, I have some good news and some bad news on that subject. First, the bad news: you can’t change your spouse. No matter how hard you try. No matter how persuasive, how willful, how determined you are, it ain’t gonna happen. As for the good news: you can inspire them to change by being willing to change yourself.

If nothing else, people who have been married or a committed couple for a number of years are, unbeknownst to them, the world’s foremost authority on at least one subject: their spouse. You know more about your spouse, their ins and outs, their strengths and weaknesses, their dreams, ambitions and failures, than anybody else alive on the planet. And yet, most of us, most of the time, fail miserably to make use of this precious natural resource. Why? Because we remain too attached to the short-sighted desire to have things our own way. We are so blinded by this desire, so convinced that we must win out in a clumsy and protracted battle of wills that we fail to recognize the rich opportunity that lays unnoticed at our feet.

If you are like most people, you undoubtedly have a short list of things you would like to change in your spouse. And, no doubt, they have their own short list where you are concerned. This is, after all, only human. But suppose that you, as the world’s foremost authority on your spouse, were to turn your attention from your list for them and instead imagine and conceive what their short list for you might be. You might ask yourself: What would my wife like to see different about me? Hmmm. Well, she often complains that I don’t like to just cuddle rather than having sex. She often complains that I point out her flaws more than her strengths. She often complains that I put down her opinions without having fully heard them out. Get the picture?

Now suppose you were to consider that there may be an element of truth to these complaints (impossible as that may seem) and decide to institute some changes in your feelings, your attitudes and your behavior toward her? I know it sounds a lot like what most people might consider as giving in, appeasement (remember Nuremberg?) and discount this obviously crazy notion out of hand. But, if you stop for a moment, and ask yourself what all of your insistence and willfulness has gotten you over the years, you may decide there might be something to this obviously insane notion after all.

Were you truly the take-charge person, the person who was more interested in attaining results rather than propping up your ego, I submit you would be obliged to take these considerations seriously. For that is the essence of the problem: getting our own way becomes more important than achieving the desired result. Caught up as we are in winning the battle of wills, we lose the sight of the long-term goal of having greater happiness, closeness, warmth and respect in our relationship.

Imagine for a moment that you were to rank order the complaints your spouse has about you. You know what they are. Now imagine you choose one of them and decide to initiate changes along those lines unilaterally, without even mentioning it to your spouse. How long before they catch on? The wives will sooner, but even the dullest of husbands will catch on eventually. And what do you imagine they will think when they make this realization? They’ll think: Gee, lately she has been so nice to me in this regard, after all the time I have been bugging her about it. Even I can’t let that go by without at least a comment and word of gratitude. Perhaps, feeling so inspired as I am, I’ll consider acceding to one of the things she has complained about in the past. After all, it’s only fair, isn’t it? If your spouse is a decent sort and loves you and cares for you as much as you imagine they do, how could they not eventually arrive at this conclusion? Stop being so willful and place your faith in them.

Remember the Parable of the Loaves and Fishes? After Jesus preached to the multitude, his apostles pointed out that his audience had had nothing to eat all day. All Jesus had on hand, according to Luke, were five loaves of bread and two fishes, but he ordered them to be distributed amongst the thousands of people assembled there. What happened next was not so much your standard Old Testament miracle as that the people who had food secreted among them were shamed by Jesus’ gesture into sharing what they had with others around them. Thus the multitudes were fed (with lots of leftovers collected in the bargain!)

You too can be the inspirational force that nudges your spouse, who, after all, loves you and cares about your well being, to respond in kind. They just don’t like to feel they’re being forced or pressured is all, much as you don’t. By acting out of generosity and strength, rather than making it a battle of egos, you can inspire your spouse to act out of the best part of themselves.

As you give over any short-term gain you wish to achieve in favor of the long-term health and well being of the relationship, eventually even the dullest of beings (read husbands) will respond in kind. How could they not, seeing as they have obvious proofs of your love and caring for them. It’s a win-win scenario if I ever heard one, and the choice is right in your hands, even as we speak. Are you up for the challenge?

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Comments, questions, concerns? I’m always interested in your feedback: e-mail bill@i4hd.com with your ideas.