Enriching your Marriage
by
William R. Colagrande, MS
It is common knowledge that half of all marriages end in divorce. What is less well understood is that, according to recent studies, in the majority of cases where couples remain married there is a marked tendency for them to gradually drift apart. They lead increasingly separate and parallel lives under the same roof, losing touch with each other physically and emotionally and with the warmth, intimacy and joy their marriage once enjoyed.
This does not have to be the case. Most couples can recapture the joy and warmth they once knew together if they want to and are willing to do the necessary work involved. Closeness does not have to erode over time.
Every marriage is a work in progress and every marriage encounters difficulties along the way. My theory is that conflicts and problems that naturally appear over time are not always fully resolved. This is only human nature and nobody is to blame. To whatever extent problems and conflicts in the marriage are not fully resolved, a residue of resentment and frustration gradually builds up until, over time, it can seem to have become a dominant quality of the marriage. That it is a gradual and subtle process makes it no less potent. Couples tend to become fixed on this quality and begin to act badly toward each other in subtle and not so subtle ways. Unfortunately, married couples are capable of treating each other with a callousness they would never think to employ with other people, even people they don’t like.
It is beyond the scope of this article to go into much depth on how to best resolve issues in a marriage, but I do offer some tips below. I also recommend the popular Mars/Venus book of a few years ago: it’s really quite good in many ways and is a fun and easy read.
Working toward and achieving a healthy marriage is the most challenging and potentially rewarding of all human endeavors, with the possible exception of parenthood. It is the ideal medium for achieving personal growth, wisdom and spiritual development. Consider making a commitment to yourself to be the best person and the best spouse you can be; you’ll never regret it.
13 tips for a happier marriage
1. Show appreciation: bring home flowers or do something nice unexpectedly.
2. Take the time to talk problems issues out on a regular basis rather than waiting for them to erupt when you least expect it. Conversations that start in a reasoned and respectful fashion tend to end the same way, and are more likely to be productive as a result. Discussions that start harshly also tend to end the same way and are not only unproductive, but hurtful and can lead to distancing.
3. Demonstrate some form of physical or verbal affection every day.
4. Criticize the troublesome behavior, not the person e.g. Hey, you forgot to take out the trash instead of Hey, what’s wrong with you? Avoid employing ridicule, sarcasm, put-downs, and contempt.
5. Frequently point out the things you appreciate and admire in your spouse. Aside from being nice, it keeps those traits and attributes in the forefront of your consciousness and your marriage, where they belong. No, you won’t spoil him/her.
6. When you say or do something wrong, apologize. No one needs to appear perfect. Your honesty and candor will inspire you spouse and help maintain a close and caring relationship.
7. Make time for yourselves to leave problem solving and housekeeping talk aside and only discuss fun things, like you used to do when you were dating. This type of talk is not a luxury, it’s important and needs to be made a priority!
8. Learn to compromise: when you begin to think of yourselves as a team, you begin to realize that in marriage, as in baseball, to sacrifice sometimes is to win.
9. Always treat each other with respect, especially when you disagree about something. Being respectful and considerate is not the same as giving in. Many happy marriages remain so because the couple has learned to agree to disagree, maintain high levels of respect and work out some kind of compromise.
10. Be tolerant: learn to accept your spouse’s flaws and foibles (…and forgive us our sins as we forgive those who trespass against us…)
11. Focus on the strengths of your marriage while working on improving the weaknesses. Don’t feel ashamed to get help if you feel you’re out of your depth (and who doesn’t from time to time!)
12. Take good care of yourself: eat right, get plenty of rest and exercise, develop and enjoy hobbies, socialize with your friends, use alcohol in moderation.
13. Develop a compassionate attitude, towards yourself, your spouse, your family and everyone around you. Learn about and experiment with practicing compassion.
© The Institute for Human Development
2005
www.i4hd.com
I’m always interested in hearing your comments and feedback on my essays. You can send them to be by e-mailing bill@i4hd.com