Constructive Conflict in Relationships

by

William R. Colagrande, MS

 

          Relationships are living, growing things, always changing and evolving over time and as a result of interaction with a constantly changing environment. In fact, I often teach people in couple’s counseling sessions to consider your relationship as a third entity or being that is there with you: there is you, your spouse/lover and the relationship. Each of the three has to be taken into account, nurtured and respected.

 

          Conflicts do happen; even in good relationships they are unavoidable. What matters most is not if there are conflicts, but how those conflicts are handled: are they confronted with openness, honesty and integrity or are they ignored or glossed over, which leads to distancing, the silent killer of intimacy. Let’s look at some of the basic do’s and don’ts of handling conflict constructively in a relationship.

 

 

Don’t engage in violence, either physical or emotional. This includes physical contact, slamming or throwing things or shouting.

 

Don’t engage in name calling, ridicule, sarcasm or put downs. Doing so implies contempt and a grave lack of respect for your partner.

 

Don’t blame. Make I statements, I think, I feel rather than starting your statements with You, which is usually indicative of blame and engenders defensiveness.

 

Don’t criticize the individual. Identify the individual’s specific behavior as problematic for you, not the individual themselves.

 

Don’t employ psychological interpretation You’re just like your mother. It’s a cheap shot guaranteed to antagonize.

 

Don’t start questions with the word Why. Why questions encourage defensiveness in the other, are usually rhetorical and the answers are usually the booby prize. Try instead to use the word How in formulating questions. How questions encourage thoughtful responses, discourage defensiveness and usually provide useful information. Try it on yourself for practice and you’ll see what I mean.

 

Don’t employ the words never and always. These words are alarming and are usually an exaggeration, which only hurts your credibility in the long run.

 

Don’t threaten abandonment. This is a killer. It is harmful to any meaningful attempt to resolve issues and is guaranteed to engender a defensive response. Avoid it at all costs.

 

Don’t expect your spouse to be a mind reader. I know it feels risky but you must be willing to express for yourself how you feel or what is going on for you. Expecting the other person to know without doing this is unrealistic and immature.

 

Don’t engage in adding on I know it makes you angry when I’m late...when you’re late it makes me angry too. This type of “tagging on” communication tends to give the impression that you are not as interested in hearing what the other person is saying as much as you are in making your own point.

 

 

Now let’s consider some of the do’s in handling conflict.

 

Do come forth and own your own part in the problem: your openness will eventually inspire your partner to respond in kind.

 

Do be specific in describing the behaviors that you find problematic.

 

Do have some idea as to what solution you would find acceptable. Be sure to tell the other what you would like them to do, not to not do I would like you to call me if you’re going to be more than thirty minutes late as opposed to Don’t take me for granted.

 

Do concentrate on overcoming the problem, not the person.

 

Do agree beforehand on a signal that means one has gone as far as one can go for the present and agree to always honor it. The time out signal used in sporting events, one hand extended horizontally above the other hand held vertically, is a good one. No blame is attached, no surrender is implied. This simple expedient provides a measure of safety, a boundary, when either person fears that things are about to get out of hand.

 

Do rehearse in your head beforehand what, based upon your past experience, would be the most constructive way to phrase or raise a topic for discussion. Discussions usually end up on the same note they begin.  Plan ahead and you’ll be surprised how much better things will go. Rehearse with a friend if necessary.

 

Do feel free to end the conversation short of resolution if it seems things aren’t going anywhere. If things begin to be repeated or you are just unable to agree or compromise on much, it may mean it’s just not your night. Sometimes it’s best to acknowledge you’ve done your best and return to the topic another day.

 

Do keep your perspective. When things are going well you don’t expect that they’ll stay that way forever, yet when you’re going through a rough time you’re usually willing to believe things will never be any different. Keep working on it, recall past successes and you’ll work through the rough spots in time.

 

Do keep in mind that you love this person and they love you.

 

 

          Making up, in our modern and somewhat cynical day and age, is fast becoming a lost art. Do, by all means, make up after an argument. It brings closure to the episode and provides an important opportunity to heal and restore the positive aspects of the relationship that comprise your predominant experience of it. Apologize for hurting your spouse: it doesn’t make you wrong, only sorry that your loved one was in pain or distress. Saying you’re sorry doesn’t mean taking on all the responsibility for the argument. Bring home flowers as a peace offering.

 

          Forgive your spouse and ask for their forgiveness. Reaffirm your love and the sense of happiness and gratitude you feel in having this person in your life. And ask What did I do right? in resolving the conflict. In so doing, you can improve your skills and help to make the next hurdle a little easier to clear.

 

© The Institute for Human Development

2004

www.i4hd.com

 

            I’m always interested in hearing your comments and feedback on my essays. You can send them to be by e-mailing bill@i4hd.com