Whose Life is It Anyway?

Whose Life is it Anyway?

William R. Colagrande, MS

Busy, busy, busy. Everyone you know has a life that is too busy. Even kids have busy lives these days. I think it may be high time we really stopped and examined this issue which has become epidemic not only in our culture but around the modern world.

Let’s dispose of the irony right away. When fax machines, personal computers and portable phones first came into popular use, the alarming question was What are we going to do with all of the free time that these labor saving devices are going to generate? Well, we all know too well the answer to that question. The concept of personal time has become virtually non-existent as economic forces push us and everybody else around us to do more and more work. But even while this is true, there is more to the issue than this simple explanation.

Fundamentally, the question is Are you running your life or is your life running you? Most people balk immediately at hearing this; they want to claim that they are running their lives, but outer circumstance, beyond their control, compel them to be busier than they would otherwise choose. And it is just this stance I wish to challenge.

Being too busy is basically the same as being out of control: the locus of control is not within you it is outside of you. And being out of control does have a certain sense of excitement to it, sometimes it’s even fun. Think of things like going to see a horror movie or a thrilling action movie or murder mystery. What makes them so much fun? They’re fun because we vicariously identify with the central character of the piece, experience what they experience and thrill to the fascinating unpredictability of it all, the near misses, the narrow escapes. Think of riding a roller coaster. It’s fun because we are out of control (within safety limits), along for the ride with all of the incumbent sharp turns and dramatically sickening descents.

At other times the excitement of being out of control is present without the fun. When we or a loved one is very ill or has had a serious accident, our lives are out of control. While no fun, these moments are memorable and often result in significant character change, like discovering courage we never knew we had, for example. Talk to a cancer survivor if you can’t imagine what I mean.

Being so busy all of the time often provides a badly needed boost to our egos: Look at how important I am. I barely have a moment to myself. In a similar vein, being too busy affords many possibilities for escaping from life circumstances that are inconvenient to face, such as feeling lonely, being in a bad marriage or not having any friends. And, as is so often the case, Madison Avenue has recognized these tendencies and has done a great job of turning them into virtues that their clients capitalize upon from fast food franchises, to the mindless drivel of commercial television to computer programs that basically raise our children.

What to do, what to do? Well, we are probably never going back to the salad days of Ozzie and Harriet. (Did you ever notice it was never clear what type of work Ozzie went off to each morning when Harriet showed him out the door adorned in her string of pearls, impeccable hairstyle and high heel shoes?) If we can’t realistically expect to escape being too busy, then we at least need to be certain we choose wisely what we busy ourselves with. Each day should include some personal time for contemplation, relaxation or fun. And I don’t mean Let me just crash in front of the TV for a few minutes either. What is fun, rewarding or nourishing is up to you to decide; it can be reading, listening to music, gardening, walking, etc. If you don’t know what works for you, try asking your friends what it is they find nourishing.

It is also important to make time to nourish your relationship. This is the type of activity we usually start out doing but which almost always becomes one of the first casualties of a busy lifestyle. Research indicates that couples who describe themselves as happily married don’t differ from ones that aren’t happy because they argue less. They argue plenty but differ in that they spend quality time together on a consistent basis. So get out your calendar books, get a babysitter and plan a fun evening where you don’t talk about soccer practice, the hot water heater or tuition costs. Have a date, a fun time, the way you used to when you were first going out.

Try to check any defensive reaction about all this that you may feel emerging within you. It is not my intent to attack or give you a reason to feel bad about yourself. We are, after all, only human and being too busy in our lives is a particularly human tendency. (Can you imagine cats or dogs behaving this way?) We are getting pushed in this direction by elements of our current culture in ways both powerful and proficient. Imagine yourself stepping out of the eternal fast-paced flow for a few moments and ask yourself What is it that is most missing from my life? Take a few moments to write down four or five things and then choose one, just one, and find a way to implement it into your life, if not right now, today, than at least within a weeks time. You’ll feel better for doing it and will be a better person as well. Challenge yourself to complete this task and see if you don’t agree.

2007

www.i4hd.com

I’m always interested in hearing your comments and feedback on my essays. You can send them to be by e-mailing bill@i4hd.com