When Things Fall Apart

William R. Colagrande, MS

Periodically we each will go through a difficult emotional period. While often precipitated by external events, such as the sickness or death of a loved one, loss of a job or disappointment in love, these emotional downturns can also occur spontaneously or at least as the result of cumulative events more subtle and less dramatic than those mentioned above.

It is important to realize that these “dark nights of the soul” are part and parcel of the human condition, perhaps even hardwired into us. A good analogy in nature would be the forest fire: periodic fires serve a useful function in maintaining the overall health of the forest environment, returning nutrients to the soil, making room for new growth and even assisting in the germination and distribution of seeds. So while there is certainly a destructive and frightening element to them, they serve a useful, and, in the long run, benign function.

So it is with our emotional environment; we seem to periodically need to delve more deeply into it. Generally, there is a tendency to move away from this, as it is often a scary and, at least temporarily, disorientating process. Ideally, were we to pay close attention to our emotional state on an ongoing basis, taking the time look into and resolve minor disturbances in our equilibrium as they occur, we could probably minimize, if not eliminate, the necessity of a more dramatic downturn. But most of us are not so inclined and find ourselves, from time to time, in an uncomfortable and distressing frame of mind.

This is not to say that you are insane, mentally unbalanced or in need of a immediate course of lengthy psychiatric treatment. This is an important point. We each go through these kinds of episodes occasionally. We may feel low, depressed, lose interest in our favorite activities, withdraw from contact with others, grow testy or find ourselves eating, drinking or sleeping more than usual. These symptoms (or symptoms like them) signify a call to action: something is going on within us that requires our attention. Ignoring these messages would be unwise, as what they represent is not going to just go away, but it would be equally unwise to imagine them to be more than a wake up call, a message from our unconscious that something requires our conscious attention.

How do you know that you are not entering into a clinical depression or other serious emotional disorder? Good question. Symptoms that persist for more than a few weeks, seriously impair our activities of daily living or that include suicidal thoughts or fantasies merit serious consideration. Consult your family physician or a mental health specialist for guidance or reassurance.

When we are feeling low, it is helpful and important to be able to embrace our current situation and to avoid the general tendency to run away from or deny it. When we are feeling low and deny it we create two problems where we originally had only one. We seem to want to convince ourselves that our lives and relationships, once on track, should never jump the rails. We’re not surprised when our car needs to go into the shop or we strain our back, be we do like to imagine that our emotional selves will never require a tune up. So relax. You are in a slump. Things appear hopeless. Of course it is not fun, but there is little else you can do about it that is more constructive than accepting it and committing yourself to determining what it is all about.

Recognize that during these times you may not be thinking at your best, particularly to whatever extent you may be resisting accepting what is going on. You may be unable to see solutions or have a particularly dark or negative perspective that impairs your decision making process. You may be inclined to jump to catastrophic conclusions. When you recognize these things as part of your symptomology, it makes it easier to deal with them: you see them, acknowledge them, but do not identify with them.

Take some quality time for yourself to feel into and understand what is troubling you and what you can do about it. Journaling is often helpful; writing our thoughts and feelings helps us to understand and organize them and keep track of patterns that emerge over time that we would otherwise miss. Utilize your network of friends and loved ones who can provide the support, understanding and advice that is so crucial during stressful times. If you don’t have such a network in your life, consider developing one. Often, people are reluctant to “burden” others or feel too ashamed of what they’re feeling to consider sharing it. Don’t let yourself be put off by these or similar rationalizations; if you can give yourself permission to ask for support, you can serve as a support when some one else needs help, establishing a benign cycle. A good book for these times is one whose title I lifted for this article, by Pema Chodron; in it she speaks pointedly and accessibly about self love and compassion.

Remember that just as the good intervals in our lives pass with time, so do the bad. Given the proper attitude and resources, you’re likely to emerge from the experience as a happier, healthier, more fully integrated person than you were before. Take hope and take heart.

2006

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I’m always interested in hearing your comments and feedback on my essays. You can send them to be by e-mailing bill@i4hd.com