What, me worry?

William R. Colagrande, MS

I don’t think there are too many guys who grew up in sixties who can hear those three words and not immediately conjuring up an image of that lopsided face, idiotic grin and handle-head ears that so often graced the cover of Mad magazine. But worrying is no laughing matter. Almost everyone feels worried sometimes, particularly around certain acute life-altering situations such as changing jobs, getting medical tests or having a baby. For one person in ten however, worry spins out of control and can interfere with functioning effectively and taking necessary risks. Some people begin to worry about things that are unlikely to happen or that we are powerless to change or alter, such as being involved in some freak accident.

Worry, as such, is what’s known as an adaptive behavior. Our ancestors found it necessary to worry about the presence of a saber-tooth tiger in the vicinity before going out on a hunt. This capacity on their part is part of what guaranteed their survival as a race. Even in modern times worry can help us to focus on how to best take control of a situation or avoid being reckless. The trick is to separate realistic worry, which is adaptive, from unrealistic worry, which is not.

What can we do when we find ourselves becoming preoccupied with worry? Well, to begin with we have to define the problem in specific terms and determine to face it head-on. Avoiding facing a problem only contributes to excessive worrying. Sometimes it is helpful to begin with a worse case scenario; if we begin to plan how we would deal with this type situation, we can gain confidence in our ability to cope, particularly if things don’t turn out to be as bad as we thought.

It is often helpful to share our worries with trusted friends or relatives. Articulating our fears and worries can provide a fresh prospective and help us to see the situation more clearly. Sometimes we can get so wrapped up in worrying that our ability to sense how likely a situation is to occur becomes impaired or lost altogether. Talking things out restores a sense of balance to our view of things and provides the support we all require from time to time in dealing with life’s challenges.

Another effective approach is to write down a list of the things we are worried about. Write your worries as statements rather than questions; this will help focus on exactly what the fear is. Then you can plan on how to confront and deal with each problem. Sometimes the writing helps us to realize how improbable our worries may be. If you date each entry, over time you will begin to see that many of the things you were worried about days or weeks ago no longer seem like problems or perhaps have failed to materialize altogether.

We worry more when we are under stress, so it is always a good idea to practice stress reducing activities and make them a part of our daily lives. Engaging in some type of physical activity, preferably aerobic, is always a good way to relieve stress. Try taking a brisk walk for twenty minutes a few days a week. Eat regular, well balanced meals, cut down on caffeine and avoid alcohol and smoking, which affect you mood. Get plenty of rest and avoid taking on too many commitments. If worries persist despite these types of preventative measures, you may need to consider consulting your physician.

One final thought I’d like to add concerns a subject known as secondary gain. I’ll explain it like this: when I was a kid and got sick, my mom would let me stay home from school, fix me tea with honey and lemon and let me spend the day reading comic books which my dad would bring home for me. (I was too young for Mad magazine at the time.) This type of treatment made being sick seem pretty worthwhile to me! The special attention, the tea, the comic books were a bonus I received as a result of being sick: no sick, no comics. This special attention was a secondary gain which I received as a result of being sick.

If you find yourself constantly worried about some future event occurring, getting cancer, being in a car wreck, losing your job, it is possible that this worry may be masking an unconscious desire, a desire for exactly that which you dread will occur. Try it on for size. Maybe in your cancer fantasy everyone rallies around to support and encourage you in battling the disease. In the losing your job fantasy people flock around with emotional and financial support, reassuring you of your personal value in a way you’ve never known before. Should you discover such a fantasy within yourself, let me emphasize: there is nothing wrong with you! Our unconscious isn’t guided by moral values; it simply knows what it wants. Be compassionate with yourself. Don’t castigate yourself; on the contrary, take pride in having been able to unearth this desire hidden deep within. You many even determine some way of fulfilling the desire without having to get cancer or lose your job. One thing is for sure: to whatever extent you are able to consciously claim and accept this desire within yourself, you will no longer experience it as a source of worry.

2005

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I’m always interested in hearing your comments and feedback on my essays. You can send them to be by e-mailing bill@i4hd.com