On Being a Healthy Caregiver

William R. Colagrande, MS

As our population ages and advances in medical technology abound, more and more of us are finding ourselves being drafted by fate into the role of caregiver. Some say there are only two types of people in the world, those who are caregivers and those who are going to be. By caregiver, I don’t mean those who have made the conscious choice to enter the healthcare profession, such as doctors, nurses, technicians, etc. I mean those of us whose parents, spouses or children have been struck by illness or accident and now depend upon family members for some measure of medical support. As these numbers are rising and are expected to continue to rise, more and more attention is being focused on this segment of the population.

Perhaps the most striking aspect of this role is how often people are thrown suddenly into it, literally, in many cases, at a moment’s notice. There is little to prepare most of us for the inherently stressful and isolating nature of the task. Relationships that had been on an equal footing this morning can suddenly be redefined as caregiver and patient that night. The case is even more dramatically pronounced in those instances where adult children now become the caretakers of those who raised them. Situations within families that might have been occasionally problematic when all parties were healthy now take on a new sense of urgency and strain.

One of the most common problems when serving as a caregiver is setting boundaries and limitations on what you can and can’t do or provide. Often, caregivers take too much upon themselves, too much responsibility, too much obligation, too much rugged individualism, too much stress. Care giving is too stressful and draining a role to be cavalier about accepting help and getting respite from the diverse demands that it requires. There is often a tendency to counteract feelings of fear, guilt, despair, helplessness and even resentment by throwing oneself completely into the task. While this may work over the short term, it is not an effective long-term strategy. In order to retain your own sense of health and balance, it is critical to build a support network into your plan. Decide which tasks you can handle and be prepared to delegate specific activities to others who are willing to lend a hand.

When you are flying and the stewardess is reviewing emergency procedures prior to take off she instructs you to place the emergency oxygen mask over your own face first before applying it to your child. While this may seem a little cold, it points to the simple truth that you must take care of yourself first before attempting to care of another; if you aren’t breathing, you’re not going to be of much help to anybody else. As a healthy caregiver it is important to guard and provide for your own health and well-being by doing such things as joining and participating in a caregiver support group, engaging in personally rewarding activities and spending time with positive, nourishing, supportive people. Seek out positive people and avoid or limit your contact with negative ones.

It is particularly important during these times to work consciously on the relationships with those who share your life. It is reasonable to anticipate that communication issues are going to arise not only with the loved one you are caring for but with other family members and friends. Issues that were present beforehand, possibly kept just beneath the surface by mutual design, are certainly going to be encountered now in full measure. But this is not necessarily a bad thing: sometimes a crisis ushers in a renewed spirit of openness and honesty and reconnects us with the underling thread of love and respect that, while perhaps does not characterize the relationship, is at least a vital and often overlooked element of it. Commit yourself to listening attentively, being willing to discuss options, being honest and standing up for yourself. Life is about change and successful living is about successfully adapting to change, so be open to new needs, patterns and shifting roles and responsibilities inherent in these situations.

Finally, consider trying to explore and understand the spiritual aspect of your experience. What does it mean that you find yourself in this position? Is it just bad luck or another semester at the University of Life? What strengths and skills will you need to rely upon or develop in order to face the challenges God or the universe is asking you to face as you go through this episode in your life. Consider it a learning experience on the spiritual level and ask yourself: In what direction does this circumstance point me as a new way to grow?

While we can never know for sure what the spiritual meaning may be or even if there is one, approaching it from this point of view offers the opportunity to import meaning and hope to a task that is otherwise capable of drowning us in a sea of hopelessness and despair. Regardless of your spiritual or religious beliefs, it is simply more constructive to look at this experience in a way that allows for hope and meaning to become part of the equation.

The simple truth is that we can never really know how things will work out in the end. Sometimes things that seem like a total, unequivocal disaster one day turn out to be a blessing in disguise on another. We’ve all seen that happen in our lives. By taking the best care of yourself while caring for another, by maintaining a balance between your needs and theirs, by being open and honest and by adopting a positive outlook, you simply maximize the chances of discovering the silver lining inherent in the experience. Who knows, in the process you may discover you have skills, strengths, talents and courage that you never realized you had before.

2007

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I’m always interested in hearing your comments and feedback on my essays. You can send them to be by e-mailing bill@i4hd.com