Liar, liar

William R. Colagrande, MS

Does this dress make my ass look fat? is a question that sends chills down the spines of husbands everywhere. On the surface it appears to be a rather straightforward question requiring a simple yes or no answer. But just beneath the surface there is a potential crisis in the making, one that tempts the savvy husband to resort to telling a little white lie.

A lie is defined as a type of deception in the form of an untruthful statement with the intention to deceive, often with the further intention to maintain a secret or reputation, or to avoid conflict or punishment. A white lie is told to avoid the harmful and realistic implications of the truth and generally offers some benefit to the liar and often the hearer as well. Should the white lie be revealed as such, it would ideally cause a minimum of discord or harm.

Although the origin of the word lie can be traced back to middle english in the year 900 AD, St Augustine composed a rather extensive treatesie on the subject in 396 AD. He was later joined by Thomas Aquinas and Emmanuel Kant, all three of whom roundly condemed the practice as a perversion of the natural faculty of speech that undermines trust in society.

The efficacy of the white lie is often demonstarted early in childhood, promolgated by, of all people, our parents. After all, wasn’t it them who made us sit down and write a note thanking grandma for the lovely sweater she gave us for Christmas when what we really were hoping for was a new Schwinn two-wheeler? How many times a day does the question How are you doing? receive the response Fine thanks, and you? when the truth is often something entirerly different.

Despite the fact that we are taught early to lie and that we practice lying almost every day, Thomas Aquinas still makes a good point. Speech is the foundation and primary currency of civilization and when intentionally misused for personal gain, it does undermine civilization’s basic fabric. The same holds true on a smaller scale in the realm of personal relationships. The very real trouble with telling even white lies in a relationship is it places us on a very slippery slope: where, exactly, do we draw the line when lying? Once we learn how even a minor evasion or omission makes life a little easier, are we not tempted to employ the device on an increaslingly larger scale?

An example of gender difference in lying can be found in the case of emotional flirting at the workplace. You and someone (usually of the opposite sex) discover a mutual attraction for each other. Typically this would play out in rather innocent circumstances, as small talk around the water cooler, in the break room or possibly even after work at a local watering hole among a group of co-workers.

On the surface it may not appear that the relationship between you is any different from any other work relationship, but you have noticed a difference. You notice that you begin to look forward more and more to these encounters, have developed an interest in learning more about the other’s personal life and begin thinking about them when they are not around. These three conditions combine to define emotional flirting and the question then becomes What do I tell my spouse about this?

Typically, men adopt a more leaglistic approach, I haven’t done anything that constitutes infidelity under existing state and federal statutes, while women in this instance are more inclined to view the marital vows as being if not broken, at least bent a little. But how is this circumstance then handled? Men might argue that since nothing has happened there is nothing to say. Women might counter with If nothing happened, why are you reluctant to discuss it? A sticky wicket.

Women are probably more inclined to think that one shouldn’t put themselves in situations where these kinds of things may occur. Men are more inclined to consider the situation as harmless fun that constitutes no threat to their marriage. Regardless of what, if anything, is eventually conveyed to the spouse, the very act of emotional flirting ought to be scrutinized closely by the participant for inner meaning. Even if you are considering lying (or omitting the truth) to your spouse, there is nothing positive to be accomplished when you begin lying to yourself. Ask yourself variations of the following questions: Do I want out of my marriage? Have things in the marriage become dull and require some spicing up? Am I just a selfish, cruel, insensitive cur? The answers will help inform you about what steps might need to be taken to remain in control of a constructive life and not allow outer circunstances to dictate events.

Aside from the obvious moral dilema that results from lying, it is important to consider the enormous psychic toll that lying takes. It requires a lot more of your personal energy to harbor, conceal and continue to project a lie than you might imagine. While it may appear as thought you are getting away with something, believe me, in the long run you are not. Most people have an functioning conscience and holding onto a lie has a similar effect upon it as running your car’s engine while three quarts low on motor oil. Ultimately, being truthful is the best way to go, even if it can be acutely uncomfortable or painful at times.

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Comments, questions, concerns? I’m always interested in your feedback: e-mail bill@i4hd.com with your ideas.