Hi Anxiety, Part II

William R. Colagrande, MS

Back in August of last year I wrote a piece that dealt with anxiety. Today, I would like to take a look at the same topic from a slightly different angle.

Anxiety is a universal phenomenon, varying only in degree of frequency and intensity among almost all of the human race. One way to understand this experience is to think of it as an evitable outcome of wanting an event to turn out in a particular way. Among the most commonplace examples are feeling anxious when going on a job interview or when asking someone special out on a date for the first time. In each case we have a distinct idea of what we would prefer the outcome of the situation to be: we want to land the job or we want this person to accept our invitation. Most of us have had these experiences at one time or another and recognize there is nothing particularly unusual about them.

What I am suggesting here is that almost anytime we are feeling anxious, there is some type of demand on our part, perhaps unconscious, that rests at the bottom of the anxiety. Root out and explore the specific nature of this demand and you have a good chance of effectively eliminating the anxiety associated with it.

Now there is nothing wrong with desiring a particular outcome to a given event. But sometimes we can attach so much importance to attaining that outcome that we can begin to imagine irrational consequences were we to fail to achieve it. A somewhat simplified example of this is the adolescent fear of death by mortification if they are not invited to the big dance. We recognize this common adolescent apprehension as irrational because we’ve all survived it, but there are much more subtle levels to this phenomenon that are much more difficult to detect. How do you know if you have them? Easy, any anxiety you experience will inform you.

The real issue is not so much desiring a specific outcome as it is harboring a rigid unwillingness to tolerate any other outcome than the one we want. Often, this comes as a consequence of having had an experience of abuse or emotional neglect in childhood. Young children who experience abuse or neglect often grow up with a gloomy sense of isolation and resourcelessness in a complex and unsupportive world. They quickly discover that in many important ways they are on their own, to sink or swim as best as they can. Some people emerge from this experience with a tremendous sense of drive and purpose and comprise the Horatio Alger-type stories so highly touted in this country. Most, however, are left with a deep sense that they have to be able to attain the correct result or deal with consequences infinitely more dire than not going to the prom. Some, unable to manage the struggle at all, give up, more or less entirely, trying to get what they want and lead lives characterized by debilitating emotional problems.

So, whenever you find yourself feeling anxious, ask yourself the following question: What demand am I placing on this situation? What is it I’m insisting occur? Or, to put it another way, What outcome am I unwilling to accept? What will it mean to me were I to allow for this undesired outcome? It’s important to be as honest with yourself as you can. And don’t be surprised if you discover some fairly irrational answers; in fact irrational answers are what you should be most on the lookout for. For example: I’m offering some courses this Fall; naturally I want people to enroll in them and I’m anxious about it. Why? Because if no one enrolls it will demonstrate once and for all to the world that I’m a failure with absolutely nothing to say. Given these stakes, of course I’m going to be experiencing some anxiety about the outcome!

Some people experience anxiety when encountering social situations; perhaps they are lonely and feel an urgency to meet somebody and put an end to their sense of isolation. Perhaps you can imagine how easy it would be to begin thinking I have to meet someone soon, or my life will be ruined or I’ll die if I get another rejection. This has to work out or I’m finished. You can recognize the exaggerated tone of such thinking, but the problem is that it occurs unconsciously, or semiconsciously, and therefore escapes rational consideration.

The trick is to establish goals for yourself and work hard to achieve them, all the while realizing that things may not work out the way you want. And when you really explore the consequences of them not working out, you may come to a more realistic appreciation of the stakes involved. The possibility of failure remains, but, having exposed and dealt with the anxiety involved, you will not only find the experience of striving to attain your goals more rewarding and enjoyable, but will actually be better equipped to attain them because the anxiety will no longer be there to distract or discourage you.

Your sense of self-esteem will grow too, as you will have successfully identified and reintegrated a heretofore split off aspect of yourself. Anytime we can discover and reclaim a part of ourselves (in this case, the irrational demand) that was previously unconscious and disowned, we become a stronger, more fully integrated person. Maintaining a willingness to allow for and accept any possible outcome to life events is always the safest and ultimately most successful option available.

2007

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I’m always interested in hearing your comments and feedback on my essays. You can send them to be by e-mailing bill@i4hd.com