Confessions of a Secret Superman

William R. Colagrande, MS

I spent a few days in the hospital last month with what has been characterized as a mild heart attack. A cardiac catheterization demonstrated that there is nothing wrong with my arteries or artificial aortic valve and my condition is treatable with medication. Aside from the good news about my arteries, I also have good cholesterol numbers, my weight is down, I exercise regularly and quit smoking fourteen years ago. As I am a believer in looking into the deeper (dare I say Spiritual) meaning of significant events in my life, I have devoted some time to exploring this one. What I have discovered is fairly interesting.

One discovery I made is that I have been carrying the definite belief that nothing really serious by way of medical emergencies could ever happen to me. I was immune. I was invulnerable. While cognizant that serious medical situations occur to people all the time, even to folks in good health, where I was concerned nothing was ever going to happen to me.

Laying there in my $6,000/night hospital bed between being roused to have my blood pressure taken or blood drawn, I thought Hmmm, how in the world did I ever come to believe that about myself?

I identify this belief as an outcome of a series of episodes of intense fear suffered early in childhood. When an infant experiences prolonged fear and isn’t soothed or otherwise distracted, he/she will freeze up deep inside the core of their being. One crucial difference between an infant and an adult is that an infant has yet to develop the notion of things changing over time, This is scary now but will pass in a moment. To an infant, it is more likely to seem that This is scary now and now lasts forever.

Think about when you’re driving down a country road after dark and that deer suddenly pops out of nowhere into your headlights. What you experience for two or three seconds while standing on your brake pedal listening to your tires screech and waiting for the thud of impact seems, afterward, like it lasted a small lifetime. It is that same sense of timelessness that has such a profound effect on the psyche of a young infant.

As denial is one of the most primitive forms of defense mechanisms, it should come as no surprise that denial is what an infant will come to rely upon to shelter himself from experiencing intolerable fear. I don’t imagine that I ever consciously sat down one day and said I’m invulnerable to serious medical problems, but I may as well have. The idea does have a certain appeal, and, as long as it did not have to bear up under any serious scrutiny, proves effective. Lying there in the hospital however, the wheels had definitely fallen off.

The good news was that I quickly came to realize that I could afford to shed my false belief concerning my invulnerability. My wife and I had made the decision a long time ago to bite the bullet and shell out every month for health insurance, so I was covered there. Sweet Margit was by my side throughout the entire process and family members and friends had weighed-in with their support and concern. While I was white-knuckling it over the possibility of another open heart surgery, I decided to put off dealing with that until (and if) the time came. All things considered, I realized, things were going about as well for me as I could have hoped.

One thing I had never consciously encountered before was the harm I had been doing myself all the while I had been maintaining my belief in my invulnerability. It is difficult to describe, but felt like a hard shell or casing that was surrounding the core of my being. Think again of the deer in the headlights example above and imagine the look on your face as you’re jamming on the brakes: teeth clenched, face grimacing, all the muscles in your body taut. Imagine the effect on your body and soul of chronically wearing that expression; it protects in the moment, but only serves to cut you off from deeper contact with yourself and others when applied all the time.

One lesson I’ve come away with from this experience is that I no longer feel compelled to have to avoid situations, even unpleasant ones. I can go through them. I have the resources, skills and capabilities to go through them. I can drop the fanciful, though ultimately harmful and taxing belief in my invulnerability. I can shed the shell which has kept me cut off to some extent from a deeper, more meaningful relationship with myself and with others.

I had not really been aware of this deeply held belief of invulnerability until I was forced to confront it in a hospital bed. I must have been partially aware of it though, as it did not come as a complete surprise once I revealed it to myself. This discovery has encouraged to me be more on the alert for similar unfounded beliefs hidden throughout my semi-consciousness. I would encourage you to do the same. If, to whatever extent, you are aware, or semi-aware, of holding similar irrational beliefs about yourself, take a closer look at them. That they are irrational is one of the key identifying elements, as it suggests very early experiential origins. When you consider the skills and resources available to you now, as an adult, you too may come to a newfound sense of confidence and security in dealing with life’s curve balls. And you can save yourself a hefty in-patient hospital co-pay in the process!

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Comments, questions, concerns? I’m always interested in your feedback: e-mail bill@i4hd.com with your ideas.