Dealing with Difficult People

William R. Colagrande, MS

There are always some people in our lives that we find difficult to get along with, whether we encounter them at work, in outside groups or in our community. In spite of our best efforts to the contrary, they just seem to get our goat and unpleasantly distract us from focusing on the task at hand.

I think it is always interesting to explore just why we have difficulty in getting along with some people. What is it about them that bugs us so? What qualities do they seem to posses that appear to be so contrary to our own? Might they represent some rejected aspect of ourselves that we recognize in them and react to so powerfully? I recall an instructive line from a sixties Rolling Stones hit Sympathy for the Devil that went ...just as every cop is a criminal and all the sinners saints ... Sometimes we do split off undesirable aspects of ourselves and project them onto others. Whenever we have a strong negative reaction to some individual or group, its helpful to look within and see if this might not be happening. If it is, don’t fret; perhaps the universe is offering you an opportunity to defuse a negatively charged situation and reclaim a lost portion of who you really are in the process.

In dealing with difficult people it is always a good idea to keep matters in perspective. First of all, consider how fortunate you are that you are not married to this person. By this I mean you only have to have contact with them for some limited portion of your day. It’s amazing how having a peeve about someone can seem to reach out and spoil your whole day when you fail to place it in proper perspective. Secondly, ask yourself this question: Whom do I want in control of my life? For that is what it comes down to, who is going to control your life, you or them? Charles P. Swendoll, an American writer and clergyman is credited with having said: “Life is ten percent what happens to you and ninety percent how you react to it.” You can determine how you choose to respond in these situations, whether you want to learn and grow from dealing with them or continue to seethe with impotent rage or resentment.

There are several factors to consider in deciding how to best approach dealing with a difficult person. For example, is your livelihood at stake? You would have to deal with a boss, supervisor or important client with a lot more tact and care than you would a co-worker. Difficult people can give rise to a wide variety of highly charged emotions in us, varying from anger, resentment and frustration to hurt, sadness or fear. It is important that we identify all of our emotional reactions to a situation prior to attempting to respond to it. It is often helpful to discuss these feelings with someone you trust and to discuss options for action with the same individual. Using the same person for each will help keep you from shopping around for the answers you want and also reduce the chances of appearing to malign the person in question by having conversations with many people. (By the way, it’s always a good idea not to go around bad-mouthing anybody as it only serves to diminish your stature in the environment and almost certainly will get back to the person it question.)

Once our heads are clear of reactive emotions we can begin to plan how to approach the situation. Prior to talking with them, try to see the situation and issues from their point of view, keeping in mind that your understanding of their situation may be limited. Bear in mind that they are just folks too, and want the same basic respect, understanding and admiration that you do. Don’t hate them; it is their behavior that you find problematic, not them as human beings.

Begin by taking responsibility for your part in improving the relationship. Let your experience of the situation and what you would like to see happen serve as the foundation for your discussion. Talk to the person involved about how the situation makes you feel (angry, resentful), how it has influenced your behavior (I’ve stopped talking to you) and what you would like to see as an outcome (I’d like you to employ a more respectful tone in communicating with me). Let your suggestions serve as a starting point for negotiations. Listen intently to the other person’s responses, asking for clarification where necessary to be certain you understand. Compromise where you can. If things become heated take a time out and resume the discussion at some future agreed upon time. If you can’t come to a positive agreement, at least work out how you will coexist. An example would be to agree to stop talking behind each other’s back and deal with each other only as is absolutely necessary.

As I mentioned earlier, sometimes it is helpful to consider that this person’s presence in your life is more than just a stroke of bad luck. Viewed as a learning experience you could take what would ordinarily be a merely tedious circumstance and turn it into an opportunity to make yourself a happier and healthier person as well as a good citizen and positive role model for those around you. Leading authorities agree it’s a task worth taking on!

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Comments, questions, concerns? I’m always interested in your feedback: e-mail bill@i4hd.com with your ideas.