Improving Your Child’s Self-esteem
by
William R. Colagrande, MS
Self-esteem refers to how you feel about yourself. It includes such things as your self-confidence, self-respect, pride in yourself, your independence and your self-reliance. All the ways you feel about yourself and your abilities are wrapped up in the term self-esteem.
With young children, self-esteem refers to the extent to which they expect to be accepted and valued by the adults and peers who are important to them. Children with a healthy self-esteem feel that the important adults in their lives accept them, care about them and would go out of their way to ensure that they are safe.
Parents and the home environment have the biggest impact on the development of self-esteem. When children enter school, teachers and other children will play a part. As teenagers, the peer group will have a major impact on self-esteem.
Your child=s self-esteem can be heavily influenced by the ways in which you criticize and praise him/her. Let’s examine criticism first. When it is necessary to employ criticism, be certain to criticize the behavior, not the child. It isn=t nice to call your sister names is preferable to saying You=re a bad boy for doing that, in that you are stating your disapproval of the specific behavior, not the person who committed it.
When applying criticism, make I statements rather then You statements. I would like you to keep your room neat is clear and to the point, while saying You are such a slob is hurtful and liable to be construed as an attack. Be certain to avoid the use of any statements that take the form of ridicule or shame. This is by no means constructive and serves only to weaken and diminish one’s sense of self-esteem
Admonish your children by telling them what to do, instead of what not to do. Saying Roll the ball on the floor is a clear instruction, while saying Don=t throw the ball allows for other unintentional or undesirable possibilities. Describing the desired action is a more positive statement.
Praise in public, criticize in private is a statement worthy of Poor Richard’s Almanac, but it is no less true today than it would have been to Ben Franklin’s contemporaries. Whenever possible employ criticism in private; it helps avoid unintentional (and certainly unnecessary) shaming. Now, let’s turn to the use of praise.
Be descriptive with your praise. I liked the way you cleaned up your room, I appreciated the way in which you helped me put away the groceries, both convey a clear acknowledgement of a specific action which helps build a firm bond of positive reinforcement for the child. You can even praise your child for what he/she didn’t do I’m pleased with the way you didn=t loose your temper when I said no.
Praise the effort, not the outcome. I=m proud of the effort you put into tackling that project, You really did your best in that test. This helps keep the focus off success and winning and on the effort applied; the former is usually beyond one=s control, while the latter is not. This focus on the aspect your child can control helps him in dealing with mistakes, disappointments and loss. Let your child know that these things are a part of growing up.
Use praise to point out positive character traits or talents. You are a kind person, I like the way you stick with things even when they are difficult to do, You played that piece beautifully. Children often require assistance in identifying positive traits and values they may posses. Get into the habit of noticing these things and by all means be sincere: your child will see though false praise and could come to distrust you.
Your child will face many challenges as he/she grows into adulthood. You can never be too supportive and you can start at any time to help insure they have the strength of character to be healthy, confident and successful in life.
10 tips on how to improve your child=s self-esteem
· Be a good role model.
· Honest praise is the quickest way to build your child=s self esteem. Find some way to praise your child every day.
· Focus on the positive aspects of your child=s behavior.
· Respond to your child=s interests with appreciation. If your child shows interest in something you are doing, you might want to include your child in the activity. Or, if the child shows an interest in a particular thing, i.e. dinosaurs, you may help the child learn more about it, and take his/her interests seriously.
· Place a picture of your child with family members next to his bed. This is a subtle reminder to your child that he has family support and is not alone in the world. Yes, many children really do feel that way.
· Keep criticism to a minimum. Criticism does not produce positive behavior, praise does.
· Make time each week for simple family activities, such as reading aloud, baking cookies or going for a walk together.
· Find a way to say I love you and mean it, every day. Children need to hear it often, especially when it seems like they don=t deserve it. When things are going badly, keep in mind that it is their behavior you don=t care for, not them. Written reminders are also good. Slip a note unexpectedly with I love you, Mom & Dad into a coat pocket or lunch bag. It won=t be long before you start to see some positive changes.
· Teach your child to say nice things and do good deeds. It builds good character and produces positive feelings. Twice a week, have your child select someone they know who they will say something nice to and someone else they know for whom they will do something nice. It makes no difference how small or trivial as long as it's something nice.
· When your child is feeling down, help your child write a letter to a make-believe child who is also having a bad day. Let your child give the other child advice on how to feel better. Many children will discover that they need to take their own advice. As they write the letter, their low feelings will begin to lift. Only give as much help as is really needed.
© 2005 Institute for Human Development
www.i4hd.com
Comments, questions, concerns? I’m always interested in your feedback: e-mail bill@i4hd.com with your ideas.