Getting What You Want from Your Parents

Getting what you want from your parents

William R. Colagrande, MS

Enlightened self interest. This expression means caring enough about yourself to act in ways that promote the attainment of your wishes and desires while not harming those around you. This article is intended for teenage readers who are interested in some strategies to use in getting their parents to give them what they want. I write in the interest of the common good and in the face of the inevitable: if you think about it, you will someday soon be an adult yourself, so you might as well learn how best to deal with them.

The first thing I will ask my young readers to do is to view their parents with some compassion and empathy. If you could for a moment put yourself in their shoes you may come to understand that it wasn’t all that long ago that you were a child and that your parents made all your decisions for you. Learning to share that responsibility with you now may not be such an easy task and may require your understanding and cooperation. They were teenagers once themselves and may recall some of the antics they tried getting away with, which for them is cause for alarm, now that the shoe is on the other foot.

Even if your parents didn’t spend a lot of time as teens trying to get over on your grandparents, they are all too aware of how dramatically society has changed. Things like drugs, changing sexual mores, AIDS, and crime to name a few represent much greater threats to your safety and well-being today than they likely did when your parents were teenagers.

If you follow sports at all, you will understand that a lot of what is needed in order to win takes the form of preparation before opponents first step onto the playing field. This is a useful analogy: if you study and understand what your opponent is likely to try to do and how they are likely to try to do it, it will help you plan a successful strategy. Take for example communication: you already know how much your parents want to know about what is going on in your life; they probably drive you crazy at times questioning you about it. I know you feel like clamming up at times like this but here’s a switch: consider telling them about your life, taking the initiative, acting instead of reacting. You don’t have to tell them every single thing (you are, after all, entitled to some privacy) but enough so they have a ballpark idea of what you are doing and who you are doing it with. Aside from feeling gratified by your sharing your life with them, they will gradually begin thinking of you more and more as a young adult, rather than a kid. This is because communicating is one of the things adults value most highly: they rely upon it everyday of their lives. Welcome to the club!

You can take this concept a step further and begin inquiring about them and their lives or those of any siblings you may have. Concern for and interest in others is a sign of maturity and the more mature you are the more likely your parents will be to feel secure in trusting you with greater responsibilities like staying out later or borrowing the family car. In this vein, it is important to be honest with your folks. Nothing destroys the hard earned bond of trust faster then getting caught up in a lie. If you disagree with them about something, order your arguments and make them in a reasoned and respectful manner: this is much more effective than raising your voice or making vague claims about unfairness. Often making notes beforehand of the two or three main points you want to make is helpful in keeping yourself on track and demonstrates to your parents how much in earnest you are.

I know it is hard not to succumb to frustration and lose your temper with them, call their ideas stupid, charge around slamming doors or turn sullen. This is a time in your life when you are trying to assert your growing independence and claim additional rights typically reserved for adults. The single best way to be treated as an adult is to act like one. Not that adults don’t fly off the handle sometimes and storm around themselves. The thing to do if you have one of these episodes is to cool down and, when you are ready, go back and apologize to all that were impacted by your behavior. Say: Hey, I know I acted like a jerk; I was just upset. I’m sorry and will try to do better next time. Finding your way to this place is a hallmark of emotional maturity. Sincerely felt and expressed, you will never regret coming back to loved ones to apologize after you have made a mistake. It’s ok to disagree with your parents (or anybody else for that matter), but it’s not ok to disrespect them.

Although I’ve been focusing on dealing with your parents, it may have already occurred to you that these techniques may be useful in dealing with any adult, including teachers, employers or your friend’s parents. Whether you are considering going on to higher education or joining the workforce, knowing how to deal with adults makes you a more skillful individual and one who is more likely to achieve his or her goals and wishes in life. Go for it!

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Comments, questions, concerns? I’m always interested in your feedback: e-mail bill@i4hd.com with your ideas.